The Diary Of An Erik
by L'ange d'Erik
Summary: A tale of how true love triumphs over all. Actually, it's more a tale of blueberry waffles, foosball tables, and cherry lip gloss, but who am I to say? Read and Review!
1. July, 1881

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **My characters are not based particularly on any version of the story, and are rather mixes of all the versions that I have read/seen/listened to. They will probably wind up being a bit out of character for the sake of comedy. The timeline I'm going by is based on the fact that the Masquerade Ball takes place at new years, and that all the events of before took place six months earlier, as in the stage show. As for the exact days, don't think for a second I have any idea what I'm talking about, because I haven't. Please Read and Review, I hope you enjoy it.

**July 3rd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have been very bored down in opera house cellars lately. Am considering purchasing a pinball machine.

Would prefer foosball table, but cannot see how such a game could be enjoyed by one person.

Perhaps shall kidnap that pretty singer, Christine to come keep me company, and play foosball.

Shall look into that later.

Erik

**July 6th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have contacted foosball company, will take a month to ship foosball table.

Threatened them with severe punjabbing to no avail. So hard to find efficient workers.

Oh well, Christine did not seem pleased with the prospective of sitting in a celler full of mildew to play foosball with a social recluse.

Said the mildew was bad for her skin.

Erik

**July 8th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Someone has been sitting in my box again. Have alerted the managers, said I did not appreciate my box being used, especially when it retained a nauseating smell of cherry lip gloss afterwards.

Also got my new issue of "Cooking Light". They had a delightful recipe for blueberry waffles.

Perhaps Christine would like me better if I could make outstanding waffles?

Erik

**July 13th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Finally succeeded in blueberry waffle ventures after severely scorching most of the kitchen.

Christine unimpressed.

Said she prefers cherries to blueberries.

I can't do anything right.

Erik

**July 18th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Still bitter about the waffle incident.

Decided to drop a chandelier on some unsuspecting victims and stir up other bits of assorted trouble.

Contrary to popular belief, Carlotta croaked all on her own.

Told the managers it was because I caught the Vicomte in my box, accompanied by the nauseating cherry scent.

Coincidence? I think not.

Erik

**July 20th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have found new perspective on the issue of the Vicomte in my box.

Is exceedingly amusing to pull his ponytail when he isn't looking.

Christine still won't budge on the waffle issue.

I even put ice cream on them.

Oh well, more waffles for me.

Erik

**July 24th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have grown bored of pulling on the Vicomte's ponytail.

Decided to lop the whole damn thing right off.

Poor Vicomte proceeded to snivel and cry for a few hours.

Moohaha.

Erik

**July 25th, 1881 **

Dear Diary,

Have decided my evil laugh needs work.

Moohaha is hardly capable of instilling fear.

Cherry smell will not come out of Box Five. Have already stolen six air fresheners from the car wash, and sprayed a full can of Lysol.

Erik

**July 27th, 1881 **

Dear Diary,

Have removed multi-colored pine tree air fresheners from Box Five as they do not improve the smell, and are very ugly, quite frankly.

Decided to instead invest in several more cans of Lysol.

Managers still tittering about chandelier incident.

Come on guys, that is SO nine days ago.

Erik

**July 28th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine has suspected me of removing the fop's ponytail.

Told her I absolutely did not do it.

She then proceeded to inquire about my new coincidentally ponytail-shaped moustache.

Told her it was all the rage in Paris.

She pointed out that we were, in fact, in Paris.

Dammit.

Erik

**July 31st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have decided to ditch the ponytail-moustache, as it was not at all flattering.

Have gotten Christine to agree to come down and play foosball sometimes. Bribed her with coupons for Herbal Essences shampoo.

I knew those would come in handy some day.

Erik


	2. August, 1881

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**August 2nd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Nadir dropped by this afternoon.

Successfully whooped his persian ass at my brand new foosball table.

Have decided to look into the cherry scent in Box Five, as it would be a most wonderful addition to my torture chamber.

Erik

**August 4th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Asked Christine if she knew anything about cherry lip gloss. She said I should ask Raoul next time I'm in his box chopping his hair off.

His box? HIS BOX?

And I didn't chop his hair off. Chopping would imply an axe-like weapon. I gently snipped it.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't all that gentle.

Erik

**August 5th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Nadir has returned demanding a rematch.

Bet him an entire batch of blueberry waffles that I could beat him again.

He claimed that I didn't really beat him the first time because he was at a disadvantage.

I told him the fact that he sucked didn't count as a disadvantage. The fact that there was a punjab lasso around his neck however...

So I'm a bit competitive.

-Erik

**August 7th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Bought a new apron to wear during waffle-making kitchen excursions.

No waffle batter on MY new suit.

Apron reads "Kiss me, I make waffles". Pointed this out to Christine, who came to visit.

Christine replied that she was not going to be ordered around by an apron.

Damn her.

Erik

**August 10th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine has told me she enjoys watching me make waffles. Finally! I've only been trying for a damn month to impress her with the waffles.

Has now begun coming by quite often asking me to make her waffles.

Am suspecting ulterior motives.

Erik

**August 11th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine came by for waffles again today.

She brought me a present too. Maybe she finally loves me for me!

Or maybe she only loves my waffles.

Erik

**August 12th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine's lovely "gift" actually turned out to be a black speedo. Enclosed note said that I could wear it while making waffles.

Have explained to Christine that if she wants waffles, she can come over for waffles, if she wants sex, she can just say so, not make up some lame story about waffles.

Christine replied that she didn't want sex, she just figured I'd look good in a speedo.

Thank god for those trips to the tanning booth.

Erik

**August 15th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Nadir refuses to admit that I am simply better than him at foosball.

I told him to cheer up, and that I was getting an air hocky table delivered next week. Perhaps he can beat me at that.

Nadir has said that we should instead invite the managers and maybe the Vicomte down for a weekly poker game.

Erik

**August 17th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have decided to agree to Nadir's idea for a weekly poker game.

Have invited the managers and the fop down for a game tomorrow night.

Told the fop that I'd bet his ponytail, so he'd have a chance to get it back.

Christine, reading over my shoulder, which I can't stand, pointed out that it's not as though he could reattatch it anyway.

Explained to her that Raoul probably was not smart enough to figure that out.

Erik

**August 19th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Poker game last night did not go well.

The fop ate all the potato chips, and proceeded to start crying when he couldn't manage to win his ponytail back.

I'll be sure to inform Christine that he is as stupid as I thought he was.

Apparently, one of the managers, I don't know which one is which, is very allergic to tomatoes. Will have to remember that next time I put out nachos and salsa.

But come on, what sort of idiot doesn't know that there are tomatoes in salsa?

Erik

**August 22nd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have considered framing the fop's ponytail and selling it on eBay.

I'm sure there's a fop-lover somewhere who would bid on it.

In other news, the cherry stench in Box Five has finally filtered out.

Hurrah!

Erik

**August 24th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

No takers on the ponytail.

I don't understand - there's people selling a mayonnaise jar full of souls that have 18 bids, and I can't get anything for the hair of Raoul de Chagny?

Aren't there some fop-lovers out there SOMEWHERE?

Beat Nadir at air hockey too. Poor chap.

Erik

**August 26th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Nadir says he has chosen to abstain from this weeks poker game.

Accused him of being a sore loser.

I explained to him very nicely that I'm just better than him at everything.

Christine seemed quite intrigued by this prospect.

Erik

**August 27th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Another poker disaster.

Monsieur le Fop got word of his ponytail being up for grabs on eBay, and got quite upset.

It's up to seven dollars already. Oh joy.

At least there were no more horrible tomato reactions, although the poor man's head is quite big and puffy already, so I really couldn't know for sure.

With all the money I'm winning off those two in poker, I certainly hope they will be able to afford my salary.

Erik

**August 30th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Twelve dollars on the ponytail.

Had a strange craving for waffles today. Apparently they smell very strong, as Christine showed up at my door asking for waffles.

Am glad she finally appreciates my amazing cooking skills.

Erik

**August 31st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

And the ponytail has been sold to some twelve year old in Ohio for 16 dollars and 40 cents.

Perhaps I should rub it in the fops face that his precious ponytail isn't even worth twenty dollars.

But his crying is really quite annoying.

Erik


	3. September, 1881

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**September 1st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am thinking of adding ping pong to my list of sports tables in my house, but Christine pointed out that it would be rather hard to fit them all.

She also said that there were better things to do in my spare time.

I thought I heard her mutter something else, but I can't be sure.

Erik

**September 3rd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Decided that a proper shower was probably a better investment than ping pong table.

Christine said that the whole "death" smell was a major turn-off.

I guess she didn't notice my new cologne.

Erik

**September 6th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Shower is absolutely amazing.

Warm water is surprisingly more comfortable than cold water.

And having no dead rotting bodies in my bathing water is also a plus.

Well where else was I supposed to put them?

Erik

**September 7th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Apparently, warm shower water does not last forever.

Dammit.

Have returned to my pastime of waffle-making.

Christine appears to be pleased.

Erik

**September 9th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Haven't had a poker night in a while.

Nobody seems to want to come back.

Fop's ponytail is starting to grow back.

Wonder if I should lop it off right away, or wait until it appears to be a significant length.

Erik

**September 10th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

So much for "six months of relief, of delight, of Elysian peace."

Decided that instead of cutting the ponytail, I would just chop a random chunk off the side.

Perhaps the movie was right after all (for once) with their "three month" prediction.

If I can seem to leave them all alone.

Haha, fat chance, they're far too amusing.

Erik

**September 12th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am all out of waffle ingredients.

I really hate going to the supermarket.

Real Men Make Waffles.

I'm going to copyright that, before someone else does.

Erik

**September 14th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have gotten the idea to start a franchise of merchandise around the phrases "Real Men Make Waffles" and "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles".

It's bound to make it big.

After all, who doesn't love waffle related merchandise?

Erik

**September 18th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am proudly sporting my new "Real Men Make Waffles" tee.

Christine loves it, and asked if they had any "Real Fops Wear Cherry Lipgloss" ones.

Gave her funny look.

Wait a minute... Fop... Lipgloss?

Erik

**September 19th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Asked Raoul about the whole "cherry lipgloss" deal.

Explained that he was a bit addicted.

Offered me a tube.

Politely declined.

Alright, maybe not all that politely.

Erik

**September 20th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Got Christine a "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles" shirt.

Slapped me when I tried to kiss her.

Told her I was only doing what the shirt said.

Slapped me again.

Second slap was entirely unnecessary.

Erik

**September 22nd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine wearing her shirt again.

Hurrah!

I refuse to teach her how to actually make waffles, though.

Explained that if she knew how to make waffles, she would no longer come to me to eat waffles.

Muttered something about subscribing to Cooking Light.

Erik

**September 24th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am beginning to wonder if Christine is ever taking off that shirt to wash it, or if she's just wearing it continuously for days.

It's kind of beginning to bother me.

Perhaps I should throw her in my shower.

Erik

**September 25th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine was offended when I inquired about the whole shirt thing.

Said "of course she was washing it".

Asked her what the stain was.

Ignored me.

Erik

**September 26th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Threw Christine in the shower with her waffle shirt today.

Tried to pull me in with her.

Told her that was not the point.

Erik

**September 28th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine is now squeaky clean.

Alright, probably more clean and less squeaky.

Raoul is really the squeaky one.

You know, just in case you're keeping track.

Erik

**September 30th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

I think it's the last day of the month.

But I'm not sure.

I never really remember that stupid rhyme.

"Thirty days hath... something or other..."

I know it's a month that rhymes in "ember" though.

Will ask someone tomorrow.

Erik

_**Thank you to...**_

**Baffled Seraph **- Oh, I'm so glad you liked that entry. I thought it was pretty funny when I wrote it, but then that was at about 2 in the morning, and quite frankly, anything is funny at 2 in the morning, so I hoped everyone else would laugh too.

**obsession is love **- I'm glad you like it! Sometimes I worry about other people laughing at stuff I think it funny, because I'll laugh at just about anything!

**Son Ange **- Aw, I love you too! No, actually, Erik has my heart. swoon

**Nade-Naberrie **- Uh oh, don't go falling out of your chair too hard, or I'm gonna have a lot of lawsuits on my hands. Hey, getting other people's families to give them odd looks is what I'm all about!

**Christy Day **- Of course Erik has a good sense of humor, and he's probably got a good stock of jokes up his sleeve. You have to do SOMETHING sitting in a basement all those years.

**Lil-Hikki **- Look, it's a new chapter! I have to keep going, otherwise these horribly things just stay inside my head, and I'm convinved if it hangs out in there too long, I'll explode.

**deathtoallclovers** - Oh no! Another one falling out of the chair! Don't you go and sue me either! Should I add that to the disclaimer at the top?

_**...for your lovely reviews! **_


	4. October, 1881

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**October 1st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have discovered that there are in fact, 30 days in September.

New Cooking Light magazine is in.

No new waffle recipies.

Christine says this is quite alright, as my blueberry ones are quite delicious.

Erik

**October 2nd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am considering having a Halloween bash.

Should be great fun.

Haven't had a good night of fun in a while, since poker night died off.

Erik

**October 4th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am incredibly bored.

Feel like dropping a chandelier on someone, but am trying to not be destructive.

Perhaps I'll just knock over a lamp or something.

Erik

**October 7th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have begun mailing out invites to my Halloween soiree at the end of the month.

Guest list includes Christine, Raoul, Nadir, Both Girys, the Managers, and Donald Trump.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Erik

**October 8th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have begun searching magazines for the perfect Halloween costume.

Am saving my best idea for the Masquerade Ball at New Years.

Red Death.

Evil, no?

Perhaps for halloween I should go as "Orange Death" or "Nearly Red Death" or "Slightly Darker Than Red Death"

Erik

**October 10th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Still brainstorming.

How about "Purple Death".

Not scary?

Well fine, who asked you anyway?

Erik

**October 11th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have finally found a very scary costume.

It's a secret, though.

Have received positive RSVPs from almost everyone.

Am sure it has nothing to do with the threat of punjabbing.

Erik

**October 13th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Still waiting for my costume to come in the mail.

Damn UPS man can never find my door.

Always falls into the torture chamber. I believe he's beginning to develop an eye twitch.

Honestly, is it THAT difficult?

Erik

**October 15th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

I finally got my costume.

Tried it on in front of the mirror, nearly scared myself.

Packed it away and put it in the closet behind the swim trunks and the water skis.

Erik

**October 16th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Got some more RSVPs. Everyone is coming, HURRAH!

Unfortunately, that includes Carlotta.

Perhaps I'll poke her all night, or shove peeled grapes down the back of her shirt and scream that they were eyeballs from the victims of the torture chamber.

Like I would waste the actual eyeballs.

Sheesh...

Erik

**October 17th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have decided to look into decorations for the party.

Asked Nadir to help.

Said my idea for a "Punjab lasso" theme sucked.

Well, who asked him anyway.

Oh yea, I did.

Dammit.

Erik

**October 20th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Nadir and I have finalized decoration plans.

Halloween colored crepe paper and plastic rats and spiders are keeping my costume company in the back closet.

Asked him why we could not just use REAL rats and spiders, as they would have been easier to find anyway.

No one ever likes my ideas.

Erik

**October 21st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Was going to get food out of the way, but Nadir pointed out that I can't buy it this far in advance.

Stupid git, ruining all my fun.

Memo to me: NEVER ask Nadir to help plan a party again.

Takes all the fun out of it.

Erik

**October 24th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Only about a week left until my Halloween Bash!

Christine and Nadir both offered to come over early and help set up.

Refrained from telling Nadir I didn't really want his help.

Am excited that Christine is coming though.

Perhaps she's finally warming up to me?

Erik

**October 25th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have procured massive amounts of chips for the party.

Have every kind of chip under the sun: Potato, Corn, Tortilla, Paint.

Nadir pointed out that paint chips aren't edible.

Told him to shut up.

Erik

**October 27th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Nadir apologized about the paint chip thing.

Didn't apologize for being a total pain, though.

Wonder what everyone elses costumes will be?

Perhaps Carlotta will dress as a toad!

Then I could throw her into the lake with the legitimate excuse of "Well I thought she was a toad!"

Not that she needs to be DRESSED as one for me to make THAT mistake...

Erik

**October 28th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine showed up to help me decorate today.

Told her she was a few days early.

She remarked that she was sure there was SOME way we could pass the time.

Offered to play her in air hockey.

She just sort of rolled her eyes.

Erik

**October 29th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

What IS it with girls' aversion to air hockey?

Christine refuses to play with me.

Says there are plently of things she'd rather be doing.

When I asked what, she said it wasn't a what, it was a who.

Girls are so confusing.

Erik

**October 30th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Hurrah! My party is tomorrow!

Originally had my costume all set and laid out on a chair, but couldn't handle it staring at me as I was trying to fall asleep.

It's VERY scary.

Hung it up in the closet until tomorrow.

Erik

**October 31st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Party was a huge success.

Everyone loved my costume - Raoul with no makeup on.

I told you it was scary.

Carlotta did not dress as a toad, unfortunately, but I threw her in the lake anyway, so all in all, a very good night.

The fop was dressed as a princess, much to everyone's disgust.

Nauseating cherry stench followed him around all night.

Nadir was dressed as Aladdin. Thought that was terribly clever. So THAT'S why he wanted to borrow my stuffed monkey.

The Managers almost beat me for scariest costumes, posing as the Olsen Twins, but Raoul with no makeup is definitely scarier.

Believe me, it has to be seen to be believed.

Very good party.

Christine offered to stay after and help me clean up.

Perhaps I can finally talk her into a game of air hockey?

Erik

_**Thank you to...**_

**kate dawson **- Glad you like, I try to be hilarious, but sometimes it just comes off as retarded, glad I could make you laugh.

**Son Ange **- Oh no you don't, Erik is MINE! Nah, just kidding. I wonder what Erik does with all these hearts, do you suppose he keeps them in jars in the basement? Because that's kind of creepy...

**firetopaz **- Yea, I have a box of blueberry waffles in the basement, and I'm not quite sure whether or not I actually want to eat them. Waffles are the best.

**EriksAngel1870** - Glad you think it's funny, my apologies for the painful stich in your side. Hey, if enough people want waffle shirts, I'll talk to Erik and see what he says. I might talk him into it anyway, as I really want one myself.

**Baffled Seraph** - I don't know why I picked Ohio, that was sort of random. I love how I said that like the rest of the fic ISN'T random.

**KatStarr** - Well, yea, it's pretty OOC, but you must admit, Erik doesn't really seem all that funny until you learn all the secrets... like the waffles.

**Nota Lone** - A foppish revenge plot? Honestly, you make Raoul's brain out to be MUCH bigger than it actually is. We'll see.

_**...for your lovely reviews! **_


	5. November, 1881

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations. I also don't own the Time Warp. It's just a hell of a lot of fun.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**November 1st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Still cleaning up mess from party.

Carlotta has yet to resurface from her "swim" in the lake.

Perhaps she died.

Oops.

Erik

**November 3rd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

House still a mess.

Who knew people were so gross.

Have invited Christine to help me clean.

Generously accepted, and added that we would both need a shower afterwards.

I sense she like my shower.

Erik

**November 4th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

You don't think Christine is only visiting me to use my shower and eat my waffles...

Do you?

Of course not, that's impossible.

Erik

**November 7th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine came down again today asking for waffles.

Asked her if waffles was all she wanted.

She said no, there was one other thing she wanted.

Dammit, it must be the shower!

Erik

**November 8th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have been in a depressed stupor ever since I learned Christine does not love me for me, but rather for my shower and my mad waffle makin' skillz.

Sat in front of television eating ice cream and watching soap operas.

Nadir found me and laughed.

Damn, Nadir.

Erik

**November 10th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Got out of depressed stupor.

Nadir threatened to take pictures and post them on the internet.

Damn him.

He did point out that perhaps the second thing wasn't the shower.

What else could it be?

Erik

**November 11th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Confronted Christine about the ambiguous "second thing" she had referred to.

She just rolled her eyes and muttered something about men being so oblivious.

We wouldn't be so oblivious if girls weren't so confusing.

It's like the waffle/sex issue.

If she wants waffles, she can come for waffles. If she wants sex, she should say so!

Erik

**November 14th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Delightfully dead looking Carlotta floating around in the lake today.

Hopes dashed when I poked her.

She spit large amounts of water in my face.

Well, if I didn't smell of death already, I certainly do now.

Erik

**November 15th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine reminded me that Christmas is coming next month.

Should buy presents now, so as to beat the holiday rush.

Except I'm really lazy.

Perhaps I just won't exchange gifts this year.

Not that I had all that many people to buy gifts for.

Erik

**November 16th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

The Cooking Light website has a new recipe for waffles.

These ones are cranberry though.

Cranberries aren't half as cool as blueberries are.

They're just not.

Erik

**November 17th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am suspecting I will need to coach Christine more carefully.

She's been milling about belting Britney Spears.

This is absolutely unacceptable.

Not to mention it's begun to hurt my ears.

Erik

**November 19th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine slightly put out by the fact that I didn't like her Britney Spears impression.

Has started singing the Time Warp instead.

I suppose that's a little better.

Not much.

Erik

**November 21st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Time Warp is actually pretty catchy.

Has been stuck in my head since Christine began singing it.

She's try to teach me to dance it properly.

She kindly explained that it's just a jump to the left.

And then a step to the right.

I can't seem to remember past that.

Erik

**November 22nd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

I think I've finally got the Time Warp down.

Told Christine that since I learned her dance it's onl fair that she learn air hockey.

She said that is totally irrelevant.

Oh well, at least she won't start liking the air hockey table more than she likes me.

Erik

**November 24th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

After much nagging, have finally guilted Christine into a game of air hockey!

Explained to her the trials and tribulations of the thankless job of waffle making.

Agreed to one game.

HURRAH!

Erik

**November 25th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine whooped my ass at air hockey.

Apparently, the girl has got game.

Oh well.

She enjoyed whooping me so badly, she has agreed to come down and play occasionally.

Yay!

Erik

**November 28th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

I've really been meaning to shop for Christmas gifts.

I just don't feel like going out in public.

Much less to shop.

Perhaps I can complete all my shopping online.

Are gift certificates to too impersonal?

Erik

**November 30th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have decided that since Christine loves me so much, or, rather, loves my waffles, my shower, and whopping my ass at air hockey, I should get her a proper present.

I can't think of anything really special.

Am not desperate enough to ask the fop for advice.

Yet.

Erik

_**Thank you to...**_

**Lil-Hikki** - You can join the big puffy red faced manager. I actually don't know whether it's Andre of Firmin with the tomato allergy, as Erik doesn't really care either way.

**Nota Lone** - Ahh, I see. A FOPPISH revenge plot. Like his plot to make Christine jealous by hitting on Meg Giry? We all know how that worked out.

**Deathtoallclovers** - Yes, I would want to protect those unfamiliar with encountering a fic funny enough that you fall out of your chair laughing. I actually did do that once, and my dad came in and thought I was dying!

**obsession is love** - You liked the lip gloss line? If you like it enough, you can get the T-shirt. More on that later.

**Baffled Seraph** - Updating soon, just for you! I had a lot of fun thinking up crazy stuff for Erik to do for Halloween.

**All Apologies **- Yay, I'm glad you liked it. I always feel shiney when I get good reviews.

**Siriusfan9 **- Haha, evil librarians. I've been kicked out for laughing too much.

_**...for your lovely reviews! **_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	6. December, 1881

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**December 1st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Crap.

December already, and I still have no idea what to buy for Christine.

Have enlisted the help of Nadir.

Has agreed to browse through websites with me for a truly meaningful gift.

Erik

**December 4th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Nadir suggested something from Victoria's Secret.

Somehow a lacy, expensive thong doesn't seem like my kind of gift.

Nadir pointed out that this really didn't matter, as it was Christine's gift.

Said that it was still from me, and I would not have my good name soiled by running around giving people lacy thongs.

Erik

**December 5th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Why do I even ask for Nadir's help anymore?

Suppose I should accept defeat and ask the fop.

But I'm not that desperate yet...

Am I?

Erik

**December 6th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

I am, indeed, "that desperate"

Went and asked Raoul for a suggestion for a gift for Christine.

Also went on schpiel about a lacy thong.

What IS it with these men and thongs?

On second thought, I'm quite sure I don't want to know.

Ew.

Erik

**December 7th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Am almost out of ideas.

Have decided to ask Meg.

Was assaulted by various screams, and squeals of "THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! IT'S HIM!"

Well who were you expecting?

Santa Clause?

Erik

**December 9th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

At Meg's urging, I spent the day in the mall at The Body Shop.

Lots of smelly things in there.

Meg assured me that Christine would love that girly stuff.

Meg, however, refused to assist me, and sent me off with a mere "Just make sure you don't buy her something that smells like crap."

Thanks, Meg.

Erik

**December 12th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have prepared a lovely giftbasket for Christine.

Lots of smelly girly stuff, and a gift certificate to a spa.

I'm just so amazing.

Got the fop one of those hair elastics with a fake ponytail on it.

Plan to cut that off too, as soon as he wears it.

Erik

**December 13th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

More shopping today.

Have to find something for Nadir, and Madame Giry.

Perhaps I should give my managers something.

Like a box full of dirt.

You don't suspect I'd be able to get my hands on a toad at the pet store, do you?

Erik

**December 15th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Decided to buy Nadir a pair of bunny slippers.

Suspect he will hate me for it.

Well, next time he'll think before he gives me such crappy ideas for a present for Christine.

Got Madame Giry a bicycle horn to attatch to her cane.

The ballet girls will hate me for that.

I suppose most everyone will hate me after Christmas.

Erik

**December 18th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Got Meg some hair clips.

Thought she deserved something for giving me advice on what to give Christine.

Was able to procure multiple toads for Carlotta.

Pet store owner warned me not to wrap them until the last minute, or they'll die.

What's a better present, a dead toad, or a live one?

Or how about one of each?

Erik

**December 19th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Can't bring myself to leave the toad in the box to die, have returned it to the aquarium with it's buddy.

See, I really am a nice guy.

Am wrapping all the "non-perishable" presents now.

Erik

**December 20th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Hurrah! It's almost Christmas!

Christine has expressed some fears about a terribly fat man falling through her chimney.

Pointed out that there were no chimney's in her dressed room.

She replied that perhaps, in such a case, he would use the window.

Offered to let her spend the evening with me, as there were no openings for a terribly fat man to squeeze himself through.

Erik

**December 22nd, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine seems very excited about spending the night.

Suspect she will hog the shower and use all the hot water.

Perhaps I should buy more waffle making ingredients.

And practice my air hockey.

Erik

**December 24th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Christine has arrived, bearing a present for me.

Aw, how sweet of her.

I gave her the smelly girly stuff I got for her.

She said she loved it.

She offered to use the bath bubbles in the jacuzzi.

Hurrah for bubbles!

Erik

**December 25th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Note to self: Spend more nights in jacuzzi with Christine.

I opened her present today.

Another speedo.

Am beginning to think that waffles are not all she wants.

Erik

**December 27th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have begun to receive angry letters concerning my presents.

How was I supposed to know Carlotta didn't like toads?

Seriously.

Am I a mind reader or something?

Erik

**December 29th, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Have begun cautiously opening my Christmas gifts.

Managers returned their boxes of dirt.

REGIFTERS!

Erik

**December 31st, 1881**

Dear Diary,

Gifts have been opened, laughs have been had, punjabs have been prepared.

Alright, fine, maybe Nadir's idea to get me a rasta hat complete with fake dreadlocks was pretty funny.

Did not appreciate Raoul's gift of lip gloss.

How does Christine stand that nauseating stench?

Can't wait for the Masquerade Ball!

I have the BEST costume.

Erik

_**Thank you to...**_

**fireflyjunction** - I didn't happen to notice the horse, I'm going to have to find my clip and watch that again! That's great. I'm glad you liked the fic.

**Killthefop** - Well, I always thought so. Erik seems completely oblivious to this fact however. How long will Christine have to drop hints for?

**Deathtoallclovers **- People who don't fall off their chairs need to join the legions of...um... people who fall off their chairs... The website is below, I didn't realize it didn't work.

**obsession is love **- Fixed the URL so it should work. Personally, I wish Nadir had taken those pictures...

**fireflyjunction** - I know, I know, I wanted a picture too. LOL. No fruitcake for Nadir, fruitcake is scary looking. Everyone who wanted to look at Erik's awesome merchandise, I hope the link shows up now!

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	7. January, 1882

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**January 1st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Getting ready for the big New Year's bash.

Have finished fluffing feathers in my very awesome hat.

Damn, that sounded so incredibly foppish.

Shall have to ask Nadir to slap me for that one.

Erik

**January 2nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Masked ball a great success.

Scared the crap out of everyone.

Janitors are mad because they have to clean it up.

Nadir made fun of me, saying I looked like a skeleton dressed as a pimp.

What does Nadir know, anyway?

Challenged Raoul to a swordfight, but he had forgotten his sword.

Stupid fop.

Turned around to go find it.

Used the oppurtunity to lop off half of his ponytail with my sword.

Would have gotten the whole damn thing if he hadn't have been running away like a six year old girl who just wet her pants.

Erik

**January 3rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Raoul has returned with a very... interesting... sword.

Said his mother gave it to him

Not sure whether or not to point out that it is, in fact, made of cardboard.

Challenged him to a fist fight, but he also fights like a six year old girl, turning his head away, and slapping his arms about wildly.

Resisted urges to pick him up and chuck his spasming self into the lake.

An act that, unfortunately, is not as lethal as one would think.

Perhaps I shall have to invest in some scary fish. Like Siamese Fighting Fish!

Erik

**January 4th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have located a website that sells fish.

Hurrah for the internet! It seems to have everything.

My fish will arrive in a few days.

THEN a swim in the lake will be a truly fatal experience!

Erik

**January 5th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Decided that before I make my lake a "truly fatal experience", I should have one last swim in it.

Reluctantly donned one of the speedos Christine had given me.

She seemed quite pleased to realize I was wearing it.

I suppose one always does appreciate seeing their gifts put to good use.

Erik

**January 8th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

My deadly Siamese Fighting Fish of DOOM have arrived!

They seem kind of tiny.

Well, so is Raoul, and I'm sure he could beat up... something...

Alright, that was a really bad comparison.

Though he fights like one, I don't think Raoul could even handle a six year old girl.

Erik

**January 10th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Deadly Siamese Fighting Fish of Doom not quite as deadly and doom causing as was previously anticipated.

More interested in killing each other than in killing the fop.

The fop claims that they messed up his manicure, but I think that was probably caused by his second go at a spaztic slap fest that he calls a fist fight.

I really don't understand what Christine sees in him.

Erik

**January 12th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

After spending all day fishing tiny dead half-eaten fish bodies out of the lake, I have decided that this was altogether a horrible idea.

Will have to invest in something more deadly.

Like pirhanas.

Or alligators.

No, wait, alligators can get out of the water.

They are only allowed to eat the fop, not me.

Righto, pirhanas it is.

Erik

**January 15th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Pirhanas are significantly harder to find than the tiny fish of manicure destruction.

And quite a bit more expensive.

The website claims that is due to "extreme personal risk" while collecting the specimens.

Well there wouldn't BE an "extreme personal risk" if you weren't catching the pirhanas by using your hands to dangle sausages in the water.

How in the hell do you expect a stupid fish to know the difference between a sausage and a finger?

Erik

**January 17th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Alright, here goes my second try at deadly aquatic life in the lake.

Was considering throwing the cat in to test it out, but have grown very fond of the cat, so decided to just toss Raoul in and be done with it.

At last glance, he was missing half of his right ear.

Ha!

Now he is hideously deformed too.

Well, not really.

But I'm making an effort.

Erik

**January 18th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Fop has decided to strategically hide partially eaten ear with hair.

Obviously, I will be forced to shave that side of his head.

I certainly hope he's a heavy sleeper, as it would be quite unfortunate if he woke up during the process.

His sudden movement might cause me to "accidentally" stick the razor in his eye.

And that would be such a shame.

Erik

**January 20th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Raoul a heavier sleeper than originally anticipated.

Decided to give him a very stylish mohawk.

Could hear his screams all the way down in my lair.

Speaking of my lair, I this "My Lair" or "The Lair" is rather boring.

I mean, why can't it be something cool, like "The Bat Cave"

Then I could run around with Nadir and stay stuff like, "TO THE BAT CAVE, ROBIN!"

Except his name isn't actually Robin.

"TO THE BAT CAVE, NADIR!"

Erik

**January 22nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have begun a list of cool new names for the lair.

The Bat Cave is still on top.

Here is my list:

The Bat Cave

The Frat Cave (Well it sure seemed like it on Halloween...)

The Fop-Extinguishing Cave (That's rather a lot of syllables though)

The Waffle Cave (I rather like that one...)

Actually, how does this sound, for when I go to challenge the fop to another fight...

"TO THE WAFFLE CAVE, FOP!"

Nevermind, I just remembered all the slash writers lurking out there.

How about we drop the subject and forget I ever said that?

Erik

**January 23rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Pirhana seem to be growing restless.

Asked Raoul to dangle a foot in and let them have a toe or two.

He refused, saying he just got a pedicure.

Asked what business he had getting a pedicure.

Said it was fun, and I should try it.

Replied that of course, that would be wonderful, he and Christine should come over for a night of pedicures.

He said he'd be over tomorrow.

Honestly, sarcasm is wasted on that boy.

Erik

**January 24th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Raoul to be arriving soon.

I was hoping he forgot, but he called ahead to ask what color nail polish he should bring.

Unfortunately, grimaces do not seem to travel through telephones.

Asked if he had "blood"

Said of course he did.

There must be a book out somewhere, "Sarcasm for Fops" or something like that.

Erik

**January 25th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Last night was a disaster.

Had Raoul walking around the lair with millions of bottles of nail polish.

And pink curlers in his hair.

What was left of it anyway.

Told him that if he had a mohawk, he may as well make it look remotely cool.

He tried to paint my toenails pink.

I shudder at the thought.

Could not get any alone time with Christine, as fop was constantly lurking offering to paint our toenails.

Erik

**January 27th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

The lair still stinks of nail polish.

Damn fop!

How can Christine even think of living in a house perpetually full of that stench?

And the stench of all the hairspray he must use to keep his hair perfect.

Well, as perfect as hair can possibly look when in a mohawk that wants to look normal.

Erik

**January 28th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Am winding up with dead fish again.

The pirhanas must be really hungry.

Except now it's not tiny fish bodies so much as slightly larger fish skeletons.

Which, frankly, look kind of cool.

Perhaps I should use them for interior decorating.

Erik

**January 30th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Hung up some of the fish skeletons.

Nadir came over and pointed out that they smell, sort of a lot.

Told him that I washed them in the lake.

Nadir replied that cleaning stuff in a lake full of dead fish does not actually count.

Pointed out that some of the fish are, in fact, alive.

Erik

**January 31st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have agreed to take down the fish.

Christine said they were very creepy.

I still say they're cool.

Perhaps I should keep a tooth and wear it around as a necklace.

Would I look too much like a surfer dude wannabe?

Erik

_**Thank you to...**_

**satha** - No, Erik isn't very good at picking up hints. But you have to remember, he doesn't exactly have women hitting on him right and left, so he's not very experienced. Let me rephrase that. In HIS universe, he doesn't have women hitting on him right and left. glances at all the swooning Erik phangirls.

**lilymuster** - Well, I wouldn't suggest laughing your ass all the way off as you might not get it back. May I suggest duct tape?

**elizabethaglen** - I feel so guilty, I haven't written a new chapter in a while. Okay, so it was like, a day. I STILL FEEL GUILTY!

**Deathtoallclovers** - No, I suppose they don't know what we're missing. But we know what they're missing. But then, we're not missing it. I'll shut up now, because it's late and I stopped making sense hours ago.

**Opera Cloak - **Wow, I feel v. special now. You write some of the best humor fic I have EVER read. feels very shiney

**No One Mourns The Wicked** - Your wish is my command. updates

**fireflyjunction** - Oh yes, Erik was ever so thoughtful whilst purchasing gifts. I'm thinking he seriously has to go swimming in the lake in his speedos and give all his fangirls some wonderful mental images. Now, take note, I'm actually writing this before I've written the chapter itself, so it's quite likely it's in there already. As for more hysterical insanity, it's getting late, so we'll see what happens. More chopping of the ponytail? Or has that joke gotten old?

**KatStarr** - I am an odd child indeed. As for the merchandise, I have this T-shirt obsession. I'm not even kidding. I have a shirt for just about everything. It's sort of sad. And then my sister said she wanted one too, so I figured, alright, not like it's difficult. Might as well let everyone at least see and laugh at the weird stuff that winds up on the internet!

**Dark Artemis** - Officer, I swear to drunk I'm not god! I didn't try to kill anyone with laugher, honest! It just sort of happens.

**Dee **- Well, if I wrote Christine's Dairy, we'd finally be able to hear all those things she's muttering under her breath. Although I'm not so sure I want to know.

_**...for your lovely reviews!**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	8. February, 1882

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**February 1st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

The pirhana are officially all dead.

Wonder if perhaps I should buy more, or just move on to alligators.

Can you house train alligators?

How about Komodo dragons?

That would be the best guard dog...dragon...lizard...thing...ever.

Erik

**February 2nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine has informed me of a holiday this month called "Valentine's Day"

Asked her what the point was.

She explained that it was a day where men showered their significant lady friends with chocolates and roses and romantic poetry.

Mentioned that waffles were an exceptional replacement for chocolates as well.

Erik

**February 3rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Somewhere between plotting to kill Piangi and rehersing for my opera, I have to find time to procure Valentine's gift for Christine.

Employed Nadir's help.

Told me that I was overworking myself, and perhaps I should removing the whole killing-Piangi bit.

Told him it was far too fun an oppurtunity to pass up.

Besides, it's been months since I've killed anyone.

Carlotta survived the lake, remember?

Erik

**February 5th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Thank god for the internet.

Ordered roses and chocolates for Christine.

Was saddened when I learned I actually had to write the poem myself.

And make the waffles.

Nadir keeps saying I need to get my priorities in line.

What? Killing Piangi shouldn't be near the top?

Erik

**February 7th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Nadir has informed that killing Piangi shouldn't be high on my priority list.

Oh well, what does he know.

Am starting to work on the poem.

I'm thinking of something along the lines of "Roses are red, violets are blue."

Erik

**February 8th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Showed Nadir the first line of my poem.

Pointed out that violets were not blue, but in fact, violet.

I suppose that makes sense.

But what the hell rhymes with violet?

Erik

**February 10th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Asked Nadir for ideas of what to rhyme with violet.

He said toilet.

How delightfully 3rd grade.

Asked him where toilet would fit in a romantic poem.

Replied that it wasn't important, because at least it rhymed.

Erik

**February 11th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have contacted a zoo that is going out of business.

Offered to adopt any animals with exceedingly sharp teeth.

Am expecting a lion, a tiger, a crocodile, and a llama sometime next week.

They claim that the llama is quite fierce.

Erik

**February 14th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Happy Valentine's Day.

Christine came down for dinner.

Raoul showed up about halfway through whining about being snubbed.

Would not, however, attempt crossing the lake, as apparently he has not been informed that the pirhanas are, in fact, dead.

Will tell him as soon as the crocodile shows up.

Gave Christine some waffles, which she said she could no longer deny were absolutely amazing.

Perhaps I should send my success story to Cooking Light.

Erik

**February 15th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

The llama has arrived.

Not quite as fierce as was previously anticipated.

Doesn't seem to like the fop much though.

Enjoys chewing on his hair, much to Raoul's disgust.

Said it will take a whole bottle of shampoo to get the llama spit out.

Erik

**February 17th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

The kill Piangi plan has been finalized.

Not that there was ever any doubt that I was going to show up and Punjab him.

It was just more fun to sit for hours and making very detailed sketches of the plot.

Lion showed up today.

Put him in the torture chamber.

Erik

**February 18th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Invited the fop to try out my newly installed "virtual reality game"

Eagerly agreed.

Told him it was called "African Safari"

Gave him a pair of glasses and tossed him in the torture chamber.

Erik

**February 19th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Wonder if Raoul has noticed the lion he is running from is, in fact, real.

A little more than a week left until my opera.

Have been tying and retying a lasso specifically for the event.

Raoul screaming about how incredibly lifelike the lion is.

Stupid git.

Erik

**February 22nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Raoul finally realized the lion was real after it bit off a few of his toes.

Must ask him exactly how many are left so I can give him a cruel nickname.

Let him out of the torture chamber at Christine's urging.

He was visibly distraught, but I pointed out that at least now he could get discounts on pedicures.

Erik

**February 24th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Had to waste a steak feeding the lion.

Apparently, 4 of Raoul's toes is not a sufficient meal.

Crocodile and tiger arrived this afternoon.

The crocodile is in the lake, and the tiger and the lion are chilling together.

Erik

**February 25th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Told Raoul that the pirhanas were gone.

Was quite distraught when he found a crocodile as he attempted to cross.

Bit off a few of his fingers.

Told him we could always amputate his remaining toes and reattach them as fingers.

Tried to give me the finger, but couldn't as he has no remaining middle fingers.

Erik

**February 27th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Got my costume for tomorrow's performance dry cleaned.

Would steal Piangi's, except that I expect it would smell quite awful.

Have stuck the lasso in the inside pocket.

Shall polish my mask extra nicely.

Oh wait... no one will see it...

Dammit.

Erik

**February 28th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

What a night.

Performance was a disaster.

Successfully punjabbed Piangi, but Christine ripped my mask off on stage.

Said she couldn't have waited until we got home.

Dragged her down to my lair, where Raoul came looking.

Stuck his head in a lasso, and told Christine I was going to kill him.

She didn't look all that concerned, but used it as an excuse to kiss me.

Not that I'm complaining about that or anything.

Raoul obviously hurt by the kiss.

Suspect Christine will tell him that I'm a much better kisser than he is.

Asked Christine later if she ever kissed Raoul, she replied no, she didn't kiss girls.

Let Christine escort Raoul home so that the crocodile would not eat him, and then came back to my place to play foosball and air hockey.

Expect the angry mob will come knocking soon.

Don't know why they cared about Piangi... big tub of annoying lard... plus, he liked Carlotta, so he obviously wasn't the brightest crayon in the box.

Erik

_**Thank you to...**_

**Baffled Seraph - **Well then, I do believe you win the award for longest reviews! I show up at my review page and I'm just looking at it and my face is like OO. So more power to you for that. I was going to point out the "four" thing, but then you did, so alright. I wanted to see the milkshake come out your nose! It makes me feel shiney when people say they like the entries that I myself was proud of.

**Christine **- Christine's Diary? Well, I have to write this update (I'm weird, I respond to the reviews before I write the next chappie, I just post them at the bottom because then people who don't care can just skip to the next chapter.) and two others... glances at clock I HAVE TIME! fingers flying frantically across keyboard. I think anyone who reads this story in public is deemed insane by their peers.

**fireflyjunction** - Well, you asked for fire, so points at above chapter there you go. The ponytail Erik chopped half off is the false one he gave him for Christmas. See, when you said he should set something of the fop's on fire, I immediately thought underwear. But then I got a horrible mental image of Raoul in a thong.

**Nota Lone** - I feel guilty because there was no update yesterday (for this story, anyway) so, I SHALL WRITE LIKE ZE WIND! Whoa, why are we talking like Madame Giry? And why is she the only one who ever has a French accent even though they're all in France? cue twilight zone music

**Maggie** - Yea, Siamese Fighting Fish of Doom. They're not very scary, especially when you've only got one, I learned. It didn't really move very much. I don't know how long it was dead before I actually realized it. I do try to write things that people won't expect, because even if it makes no sense at all, hey, it'll be funny!

**Son Ange** - Haha, hurrah for the T-shirts. I hoped I wasn't totally dumb for thinking other people might actually like them. I'm still waiting (rather impatiently) for my "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles" shirt. As for Erik taking out your tonsils, I hardly think he's a trained medical professional, although he's quite capable of everything else so I suppose it's not all that far fetched, is it?

**satha** - I actually have seen a Raoul with a mullet, and it was... interesting, to say the least. I'm thinking that maybe Erik should eventually just shave his entire head and tattoo nasty words on his bald scalp.

**ElizabethArduena** - Isn't a good laugh always great?

**Dark Artemis** - Although not classic in the classic sense of the word, I'm sure. For some reason I don't think the chapter should go hang with Tom Sawyer.

**No One Mourns The Wicked** - Let me tell you, I really wanted to put the whole "batcave" line on a shirt as well, but seeing as that's copyrighted material, I can't. Too bad, it would have been hilarious. I'll just run around school shouting it. I'm not sure whether it's an improvement of "It Hops! And it hops jolly high!"

**Deathtoallclovers** - Haha, I don't know exactly what time my brain shuts off, I just know that if it's past 1 am, I'm very dirty minded, and I can't spell to save my life. Wait... that sounds rather like all the time... uh-oh...

_**...for your lovely reviews!**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	9. March, 1882

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**March 1st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Damn mobs, coming in a trashing the lair.

Waving their bloody torches all over.

The ones who were dumb enough to get in the water were eaten by the crocodile. Which is good, because he hasn't had anything to eat in a while.

The lion and tiger, however, will have to go hungry, because no stupid mob people were dumb enough to fall into the torture chamber, and I didn't feel like coming out of the hot tub to give them a slight push.

What?

Where did you think I had been hiding?

Where else would I go without my mask?

Erik

**March 2nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Damned Giry child has stolen my mask.

Am not sure I want to ask for it back, because Meg tends to carry on with screeching and screaming "THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! HE'S HERE! IT'S HIM!" over and over again quite redundantly for hours at a time.

It tires me so.

Erik

**March 3rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine says the mob thinks I'm dead.

Told her that they had better give me a nice funeral.

She said they were having a lovely party instead.

I suppose that's close enough.

Was quite upset when Christine pointed out that I can't actually go to the party, as I am "dead".

Erik

**March 6th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Alright, now the parties are getting a BIT out of hand.

Would bang on the ceiling with my broom, but am quite sure there would not be many people hanging around in the fourth cellar to hear it.

Have they even sung my requiem?

Damn bastards.

Erik

**March 7th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine came down to visit, claiming she was quite sick of the parties.

Also claimed that she had played one too many games of "Pin the Mask on the Opera Ghost"

She then proceeded to request some waffles.

Damn, that woman does not waste time when she wants something.

Erik

**March 9th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Lake absolutely FULL of bones.

They've all piled up in one corner, and the crocodile has taken to sleeping on them.

Really quite a less than desirable decoration.

Perhaps I should ask the fop to dismantle them?

But that would only create MORE bones...

Erik

**March 10th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Never try to dismantle a crocodile's "nest".

No matter how ugly it is.

I tried, but came very close to getting some appendages chomped off.

Pile of bones was bigger than originally anticipated.

How many people did the damned thing EAT?

Erik

**March 12th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Procured a newspaper.

Said that at least 14 people have been lost in the past 2 weeks in the fifth cellar of the opera house.

Well oops.

I suppose I should do something about the crocodile?

Erik

**March 13th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Tried to put a leash on the crocodile, but gave up after he tried to eat my hand.

It was the left one too!

That would have been awful!

Think of it, how can a musician possibly play with only one hand?

I'd be reduced to playing endless repititions of "Chopsticks".

Erik

**March 14th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Told the fop that the animals were gone.

He believed me, and was assaulted by a less-than-pleasant llama.

I hadn't fed him in a few days.

The llama ate his shirt, and enough of his pants to reveal some very frightening underwear...

Pink... with ponies...

Not that I was looking, of course.

Erik

**March 16th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine has informed me that she is quite familiar with Raouls choice of underwear...

And bedsheets apparently...

Am quite disturbed as to where she retrieved such information...

Erik

**March 20th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Checked the torture chamber today to find that my lion only has three legs.

I suppose I should feed the lion and tiger more often.

I'll make the lion a prosthetic leg tomorrow.

Then he can be a super robot lion of doom.

Erik

**March 21st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Invited the fop over to play my new video game.

"Robo-African Safari"

He asked if it was anything like African Safari.

I said of course not, because this was Robo-African Safari.

He nodded, and hopped into the torture chamber.

I love abusing stupid people.

Erik

**March 23rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

I do believe the fop has gone insane.

He has been swinging from a high branch of the tree in the torture chamber for some hours now singing some children's song over and over again.

I suppose I should let him out before the fifth celler has racked up a fifteenth death.

Although it is quite amusing to watch.

Erik

**March 25th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Alright, children's song has become far more than simply annoying.

Restrained self, though had an enormous urge to punjab the fop, as the song is apparently "The song that never ends"

And his voice is not one of the best I've ever heard either.

Am going down to release him.

Erik

**March 26th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

The fop has been freed and is running around maniacally.

I think I should restrain him until he is sane again.

Otherwise the crocodile is going to have a very nice meal.

Shall tie him to a chair until he calms down.

Erik

**March 27th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine came to laugh at Raoul.

He does look rather stupid tied to a chair, which he began to rock back and forth until he fell flat on his face.

I was going to set him right side up again, but Christine said not to, as he looks funnier that way.

Perhaps he shall suffocate!

Erik

**March 28th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

I think Raoul is sane enough to inflict upon the human race once more.

He's no more insane than before he played Robo-African Safari.

But his sanity before that was questionable anyway, so who knows?

Am sick of him hanging around on my chair though, so he needs to leave.

Erik

**March 31st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I retrieved my good mask from the Giry child.

Used earplugs.

Was very smart of me, I think.

She screamed for about an hour and a half before finally handing over the damn mask.

Now, Meg, was that so hard?

Honestly...

Erik

_**Thank you to...**_

**No One Mourns The Wicked** - I think Raoul has some explaining to do, and this time it goes beyond cherry lip gloss!

**EriksAngel1870** - I honestly don't know how it winds up being random. I just write whatever weird things pop into my head. Maybe Erik will figure things out with Christine... eventually...

**Son Ange** - Yea, that sizing chart gave me an ego boost though, because I would need a bigger size than I usually wear. I hate being small. And come on, we all know Christine was just escorting Raoul across the lake to save him from the crocodile. She was obviously going back to Erik after that. I mean, psssht, come on!

**obsession is love** - I'm sensing a common love of the "she replied no, she didn't kiss girls" line. I was thinking that the whole shirt thing was gonna be a flop but it turns out there are people as crazy as me who actually want them. I've sold some already! HURRAH FOR THE CRAZIES!

**devilofhumor** - Hurrah for getting weird stares and falling off chairs. I think Christine is the only woman in the world who has to think twice about going to play air hockey with Erik.

**satha **- I saw a tube of cherry lip gloss on my sister's dresser the other day and I just started laughing SO hard. I asked her to hide it so I don't have to look at it.

**Dee **- Yea, I didn't actually have an ending intended, especially not the one in the musical or the book, so Erik gets to keep hanging out down in his basement. Perhaps we should make some fangirls show up. Any volunteers?

**Baffled Seraph** - I think if there is one animal that everybody loves it has got to be llamas. I think I need two disclaimers on this story: "Caution, may cause you to fall out of chair" and "Caution, reader discretion is advised concerning the intake of liquid nourishment while reading." That way no milkshakes on the keyboard.

**Faust** - Yea, I'm rather a Raoul-basher, but then, that's okay, because he sucks. Ha, that's a good idea for a shirt. I'm laughing thinking of all the poor people who don't know what a fop is. (All the people who woud read the shirt, basically)

**Nota Lone** - Camels and Emus are some of those freaky cool animals that hang with the llama. Suddenly I have a mental image of Raoul getting an eye pecked out by an Emu... I wonder what Carlotta was for Halloween... I also wonder what she would say in her diary... Hmmm...

**random gal** - takes a bow Thank you kindly!

**Melissa Amnita ** - Hurrah for hair-chewing llamas. That should be a shirt. "Quiet, or I'll sic my hair-chewing llama on you". It could work for the other animals too. "Quiet, or I'll sic my toe-chomping crocodile on you". I have too much fun thinking up these things. Hurrah for you if you get a shirt, because then we could walk around like freaky twins with the SAME SHIRT... except, like... tons of miles away... yea...

**Deathtoallclovers** - Maybe I am your evil clone. MAYBE I STOLE YOUR BRAIN! cue dramatic chord See, this chapter was written at 10 am, so I'm hoping the perversity levels were down at least a little bit. looks back up at chapter Alright, so probably not.

**The Vengeance** - What can I say, I have a waffle addiction. Poopnugget should come and bite Raoul or something.

**llama-child** - Everyone loves llamas! Hurrah! Although I don't think Raoul would be too happy if they were ruling the world, as they don't seem to like him all that much.

_**...for your lovely reviews!**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	10. April, 1882

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**April 1st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

I've just been informed of a delightful new holiday.

April Fool's Day!

Spending most of your life running around the globe or hiding away in a basement doesn't really give one time to delight in such simple pleasures as holidays.

Nevertheless, I find it very easy to get into the holiday spirit.

Placed multiple toads in Carlotta's wig.

Was not very funny until she sang a very high note and they all proceeded to hop out.

I stole the fop's cherry lip gloss and filled it with food dye, so now his lips will be blue for a bit.

Let's see if our dear Christine shall want to kiss him now!

Christine assured me she never wanted to in the first place.

Erik

**April 2nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

No one seemed to like my delightful little pranks.

Carlotta sent me an angry note concerning some toads, and the fop has been pitifully crying in his bathroom, scrubbing his lips.

Perhaps I should replace his soap with vinegar...

Nadir said that the holiday was over, and that I should do no such thing.

Nadir is such a stupid little fart.

Erik

**April 4th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have replaced the fop's soap with vinegar, against Nadir's urging.

He was screaming in pain earlier this morning.

Moohaha.

Erik

**April 5th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Fop still hasn't figured out the vinegar thing.

Continues washing lips and face with it.

Would think he would notice the taste.

And the smell.

I feel so deliciously evil.

Erik

**April 7th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine asked why the fop smells like a freshly dyed egg at easter.

Told her about the vinegar.

Explained that he thought it was soap.

Christine pointed out that if I put it in his shampoo, it would get in his eyes.

Retorted that when I'm through with him, he'll have little need for shampoo.

Erik

**April 8th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Evil plot to remove all of the fop's hair is developing nicely.

Will shave it in the middle of the night.

Later, will have to tattoo crude words on his scalp.

Am thinking "Fops Suck, O.G. pwns j00!"

Shall run that by Nadir at a later date.

Preferably after I've already done it.

Erik

**April 10th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Evil shave-n-tattoo plot an absolute success.

Have removed all mirrors in the fops home so that he will be forced to go out in public before realizing how utterly rediculous he looks with "O.G. pwnz j00!" tattooed on his scalp.

I rather like it.

Pointed out my fine artistry to Christine and Nadir.

Nadir said it sucked.

Told him that he could be next.

He promptly shut up.

Erik

**April 12th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Ah, the tears of a fop.

And the agonizing shrieks.

For some reason, he automatically suspects me.

Why is it that whenever something goes wrong everyone blames me?

I mean, just because I usually did it... that doesn't mean anything.

INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY, DAMMIT!

Erik

**April 13th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Hysterical occurance today.

Fop was jumped by a motorcycle gang.

They said he was an utter mockery.

Demanded that he stop being such a poser.

Fop ran home crying.

Erik

**April 15th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have decided that perhaps I should start a new opera.

Don Juan Triumphant didn't work out so good.

Perhaps something about sobbing fops and missing ponytails?

And then I can come in and rescue his poor lover who does not, in fact, love him at all.

Will have to discuss this plot with Christine.

Erik

**April 16th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Haven't made any waffles in a while.

Agreed to try to teach Christine, but she set them on fire.

Christine tells me the fop is trying to win her back with pancakes.

Silly fop.

Erik Waffle pwnz teh Fop-cakes.

Erik

**April 17th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine has demanded that I stop speaking like an internet geek.

Told her that internet geeks pwnd her.

She was not amused.

Agreed to stop.

What's wrong with internet geeks anyway?

Erik

**April 20th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine started whining about how I am so evil.

Pointed out that I'm not evil to everyone, mostly just the fop.

She said I'm still mean.

Have decided to go out into the world and do some community service.

Erik

**April 21st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have begun my community service program.

Free punjab lessons for the masses!

Class One: How to choose your punjab material

Class Two: How to tie your punjab lasso

Class Three: How to choose your victim

Class Four: How to successfully dispose of said victim, quickly and quietly

Class Five: How to get rid of unwanted corpses

Clever, no?

Erik

**April 23rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Nadir found out about the punjabbing class.

Said I should teach such things to innocent, uncorrupt people.

Pointed out that there were very few people in the world who were not corrupt.

He said that I should try to believe that there is some innocence left in the human race.

Pah...

Erik

**April 24th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have gone on with punjabbing class, much to Nadir's dismay.

How could I disappoint the people who already signed up?

I'm not joking!

I have 4 students already.

Amazing how many people are unaware of the art of the punjab lasso.

Erik

**April 26th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Alright, perhaps punjabbing class not a good idea.

Am now down to 3 students.

It was not my fault.

I swear.

Erik

**April 27th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine not overly impressed by community service attempts.

Told her I had good intentions.

Said she doubted it, and I was only using it to use the fop for educational purposes.

Did not believe that was not my intent.

Well it sort of was.

But shhh...

Erik

**April 29th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

I really need to get central air installed in the lair.

It's been getting annoyingly hot.

And I can no longer swim in the lake for fear of a now quite large crocodile.

Death toll of the fifth cellar growing slightly.

Stagehands really should keep to the upper cellars.

Erik

**April 30th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have a very big problem.

Well, I suppose it's technically about 12 small problems.

Apparently there is another crocodile somewhere in Paris.

And apparently said other crocodile managed to work its way down to the fifth cellar of the opera house and find my crocodile before it mysteriously vanished.

However, there are now about a dozen little crocodiles.

Not good.

Erik

_**Thank you to...**_

**Nota Lone** - Hurrah for a day brightened by fic updates. All of you people who read constantly have prompted me to create a new shirt design - Phic Addict! Anywho, I do believe a knife-weilding squirrel would be enough to kill the poor fop. Wait... did I just say POOR fop? Somebody, slap me! Quick! I'm going insane!

**Hriviel** - That's the point, silly, to scare everyone around you! They can't possibly understand until they've read them. I tried to give my friend a brief summary the other day, but I hardly think she appreciated my ramblings about blueberry waffles and foosball. I just gave her the URL and told her you can't get it until you've read it.

**Son Ange** - Christine just pitied the 6-toed 5-fingers 1.5-eared fop. Which is what he's become due to various insane encounters with Erik's little animals friends. Yes, I've noticed that is annoyingly slow... it takes it 2 days to process the orders sometimes. Well, I hope it comes soon so you can return it and get the proper size.

**satha **- Cherry lip gloss withdrawl? But he's just as insane WITH the lip gloss! Whatever are we to do about that?

**Baffled Seraph** - Hurrah for the Irish! I'm Irish too, I don't know exactly how much, but part. LOL. Don't forget about the liquid lesson! My computer growls at me already (I'm SO not kidding) so if I drip any liquid on it, it might just come to life and bite me.

**obsession is love** - I don't know, but I really wish that supposed "genius" would hold true outside the realm of humor phic writing, because I'm not quite so "genius" at Physics and Pre-Calc. But then, since when are those silly things important anyway?

**devilofhumor** - I'm writing! I'm writing! Well what kind of underwear were you expecting the fop to wear?

**LonelyBlueCat** - Russian? OMG that would be so cool. Permission granted! It'd probably be a little cooler if I could actually read Russian, huh? runs off to the local library to learn Russian You have fun translating that. LOL.

**ForensicPhotographer711** - Yes, I figured Erik must have something to guard his lair. I imagined it rather like his apartment full of animals in Persia... except more vicious... with pointy teeth... and in the case of the lion, prosthetic limbs.

**Melissa Amnita** - That is actually a hilarious shirt idea. I'll be sure to leave you a little note when I get around to putting it up! Ah, no need to leave a note, I've done it already. I fear my artistic skills are less than adequate as far as ponytails are concerned, so if anyone would like to email me a better one, it would be appreciated!

_**...for your lovely reviews!**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	11. May, 1882

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **Don't mind the randomness, I really don't know where any of this is coming from, all I know is I'm going on very little sleep and a hell of a lot of sugar, so it's bound to be a bit crazy.

**May 1st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Lots and lots of baby crocodiles.

NOT good.

Where the hell is there another crocodile in Paris?

I'm not stupid, I KNOW there has to be another.

Erik

**May 3rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Alright, I really have a problem.

I can't feed all these crocodiles.

The fop refuses to volunteer his limbs.

Pointed out that the poor little baby crocodiles will go hungry.

Said that was not his problem.

What a bastard!

Erik

**May 4th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Apparently, crocodiles do not like waffles.

Oh well, more waffles for me and Christine.

Christine says the baby crocodiles are cute.

I say they'll only be cute until they're big enough to launch a crocodile rebellion and eat us all.

A dozen full grown crocodiles is a force to be reckoned with!

Erik

**May 5th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Wasted the last of my waffle ingredients trying to feed the crocodiles.

Will have to go shopping.

I hate shopping.

I really hope I don't run into the fop again.

Cold, heartless fop, willing to let poor baby crocodiles starve!

Erik

**May 7th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

SUCCESS!

Baby crocodiles eat dog food!

Problem solved.

Well, temporarily anyway.

Erik

**May 9th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have decided to order the ping pong table I've been wanting for a while now.

Christine still convinced that it will not fit.

Told her if necessary, we can knock out one of the walls and expand the lair.

She replied that it would be better to just put it in the fop's room.

I wonder if the fop would object?

Erik

**May 10th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Cold, heartless fop!

Not only does he want the crocodiles to starve, he won't let us use his bedroom as a game room.

Ooooh how I hate him.

Stupid little twit.

Erik

**May 11th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

The crocodiles are getting a bit too large.

Was holding one of them... not a good outcome.

It's a good thing my nose is already missing, because if it wasn't, it DEFINITELY would have been gone after that encounter.

Very feisty little things.

Erik

**May 14th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Ping pong table has arrived!

Have it out on the front porch for the time being.

Tried to play with Nadir, but as Nadir sucks, the ball wound up in the lake.

And I was not about to jump in and fish it out.

Erik

**May 15th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have purchased large supply of replacement ping pong balls.

That way, next time Nadir fires one into the lake, we can still play.

Almost went through the entire bag today.

Made a very spectacular dive to save one of the last ones.

Erik

**May 17th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Note to self:

NEVER invite the fop to play ping pong.

He's even worse than Nadir.

Another bag of ping pong balls has wound up in the lake.

I swear, soon enough there will be enough that you could just walk across on them.

Erik

**May 19th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have decided to return to air hockey and foosball as those games seem to have a lessened risk of getting things stuck in the lake.

Christine has begun wearing her waffle shirt again.

I should get her more so that she doesn't have to wear that one for days on end.

She did not, however, slap me when I tried to kiss her.

GO ME!

Erik

**May 20th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine said she's tired of playing air hockey.

Asked her what she would prefer.

She said we should rent a movie.

An expedition to the movie rental store should prove entertaining, even if the movie itself isn't.

Erik

**May 21st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Well, I was right about the movie rental store being entertaining.

It's astounding what crap these filmmakers come up with.

Left the store with various movies, including "Van Helsing", "The Matrix", "Fight Club" and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Should prove to be an interesting experience.

Erik

**May 22nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Note to self:

Never watch Van Helsing again.

Am not very versed in movie-going, but am fairly sure this can qualify as a quite terrible movie.

Am tempted to try Dracula's whole "walking on the ceiling" bit, though.

Christine says that when I smash my head, she's not going to sweep me up and bring me to the hospital.

Erik

**May 23rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Watched The Matrix today.

Have come up with more insane stunts to try.

Christine says I had better cut it out.

Told her that all the crazy kung fu looked like fun.

She still does not like it.

Have decided to start wearing very shiney sunglasses, as that is the closest I'm going to get.

At least I'll LOOK cool.

Erik

**May 24th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Fight club was... interesting.

Must get my hands on some soap.

Christine smitten with some actor in the film.

Brad Pitt, I believe.

He's not all that good looking...

Erik

**May 25th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Alright, of all the things in the world that I never needed to see, Rocky Horror Picture Show is one of them.

Learned later that one of the cast members was asked to play me in some stage production of my story.

Since when is there a stage production of my story?

Wait... I have a story?

Erik

**May 27th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Looked into this whole "Stage Production" thing.

Have bought tickets for the production in London, and in New York.

I'm quite excited.

I'm also strangely frightened.

Suppose the people they've chosen to portray myself are terribly ugly?

Oh well, will simply have to go about dropping more chandeliers.

Erik

**May 31st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

My tickets have arrived!

I'm going to London on June 20th, and New York on July 4th.

Have done some research on the singers in the lead roles.

John Owen-Jones, and Hugh Panaro apparently. (Author's Note: Yes, I know, John isn't in the production anymore, and I'm quite bitter about it, so quiet yourself! In my story, John will play the Phantom FOREVER!)

Will have to see if they're any good.

Christine informed me that there's also a good deal of movies.

I, however, am not all that keen on seeing any more of these movies.

Movies are very frightening things.

Erik

_**Thank you to...**_

**angel of mystery** - Everyone has such good shirt ideas! After I finish my serious fic, there is going to be a great outburst of diaries. I'm thinking "The Diary of A Persian" "The Diary of A Giry (The Big One)" and "The Diary of A Giry (The Little One)" Sounds funny, no?

**Baffled Seraph** - Of course computer geeks rock. I am one. Exactly, who cares about what's LEGAL. Since when has Erik had any respect for the legal system? I've considered just putting the computer in a time out.

**lilymunster** - Hurrah for 1337. Hey, what's wrong with being hyper? NOTHING! Wheee!

**sheamusthemagicalleprechaun **- No liquids while reading humor, dammit! You're all going to spill stuff all over! Erik got his animals from a zoo. So you'll have to contact your local zoo when it goes out of business and offer to adopt all the fierce animals.

**phantom-lover72** - Well if I can get someone who usually hates POTO humor to laugh, I must have done something right, I suppose!

**devilofhumor** - I actually really don't like pancakes at all. Waffles are just so much better. I only wish I could be as brilliant as you say I am in school!

**1gamegirl3** - Oh, careful not to wake the older sister. Being an older sister, I can testify that we do not like being disturbed!

**monroe-mary** - Hurrah for being insane! I love Erik's general attitude towards everything. When reading the novels, both Kay and Leroux, so many things he would say would just make me start laughing so hard. And I do believe he actually called Nadir a little fart at some point in time. In fact, I'm going to find it, right now. Ah, there it is. "Oh, daroga," he sighed, "what a truly boring little fart you are at times!"

**Kat097** - Oh weird looks schmeird looks, READ ON! Hahaha, I'm in a bit of an odd mood, slightly hyper.

**Nixieharpist** - Hmm, an "I Hate Fops" shirt certainly is an interesting idea. I should hop off and do that in a bit.

**Son Ange** - Yes, Erik has a very odd sense of humor, it seems. But we all love him anyway!

**A.D. Chandelier** - Yes, well, I'm sure Erik doesn't find the prospect of a great deal of crocodiles very amusing. Poor Erik.

**Deathtoallclovers** - Yea, I try to control my pervertedness, but as was seen in the fop's diary, sometimes it just sneaks out. I swear, I was talking about a straw! I swear it!

**scimitarmoon** - Geez, everyone keeps saying that whole "genius" thing, and I'm always paranoid that the next chapter won't live up to the hype! And I certainly don't want to kill you! That would be a shame indeed.

**satha** - I couldn't help myself, once I came up with that whole tattooing thing I just REALLY wanted to use it. Yes, we'll have to see what Erik is going to do with all the crocodile babies, won't we?

**Songwind** - Hurrah! I feel so special, to be added to your favorites list. The diaries of Erik shall live on, as they have no forseeable end... Originally it was all going to be over when the story ends, but everyone loved it so much and I have a strange addiction to writing it.

_**...for your lovely reviews!**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	12. June, 1882

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

-------------------------------------

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: **No, I haven't died or anything. I'm so sorry about the lack of updates, I've just had so much to do. Now, if I can offer you all a bit of a bribe: I've been nominated for an award at the following website: http / www . freewebs . com / phanphicawards / Voting isn't open yet, but I'll let you all know when it is, and you have to go vote for me! I'll give you some of Erik's waffles... Later in this chapter, Erik goes to see John perform. I KNOW that John isn't performing Phantom anymore, but he's one of the best people I've ever seen/heard perform phantom, and this is MY phic, so the London phantom is JOHN. Hehehe... I'll shaddup now.

-------------------------------------

**June 1st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine took my awesome sunglasses.

I am very sad.

Will have to find new item of clothing with which to make a fashion statement.

-Erik

**June 2nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have begun a countdown until my trip to London.

I have not been to London in a very long time.

Tend to spend my days in a smelly basement nowadays.

I really must get out more.

-Erik

**June 3rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine has said that she doesn't want to come with me to the show in London.

I'm upset.

Told her it will be such fun.

Told her that we could find a nice restaurant as well.

She said that it wasn't that, she just didn't want to see some horrible little twit play her in the show.

Told her that at any rate, I should be more worried than she.

-Erik

**June 4th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Damn Christine, now she has me worried.

What if this "John Owen-Jones" character is a terrible singer?

Or worse...

What if he's fat?

-Erik

**June 5th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have begun frantically searching the internet for photographs of this "John" person.

Have to make sure he's not fat.

Or ugly.

Christine tells me that he's going to have prosthetic ugliness on, so it won't matter.

-Erik

**June 6th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have successfully located desired photographs.

He's not fat, thank goodness.

I'm much better looking, even with a slight deformity, but then, I suppose that's the way the world works.

Christine told me to shut up when I told her this.

**June 10th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine urging me to start up poker night again.

Told her that would be quite impossible, as Nadir refuses to play games with me any more, saying I'm a terrible cheater, and the fop is missing too many fingers to actually be able to hold the cards, so it would never work out.

She said I should get Raoul a robot hand so that he could play poker.

She must have been kidding, right?

-Erik

**June 12th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine not kidding about robotic hand.

Asked sarcastically if Raoul was in need of any other body parts.

Christine pointed out that thanks to my various animals, yes, he was.

Well she didn't have to be so rude about it...

-Erik

**June 14th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Less than a week left before my flight to London.

Have told Christine that if I agree to replace Raoul's hand, she must accompany me.

She said she really didn't care all that much about Raoul's hand, but she would go anyway.

I knew she wanted to go...

-Erik

**June 15th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Can't wait for my trip!

I've never been on a plane before.

Should prove to be an interesting experience.

Have begun to pack my bags, as I am leaving in 2 days.

Hurrah for time for sight-seeing before the show!

-Erik

**June 17th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

I'm on the airplane.

And it was a good deal of hardship getting here.

Kept getting weird looks from everyone in the airport.

It's a mask people, deal with it.

Christine said that it might be the formal dress as well.

Told her I refuse to dress like a pitiful little commoner with my midriff hanging out or my pants falling halfway down my rear end exposing my undergarments.

At that, Christine struggled to tuck in her obviously too-small shirt.

Got stopped before boarding the plane, apparently they thought I was concealing some sort of weapon.

Which I was, but that is NOT the point.

They took my punjab lasso. I told them to take good care of it.

The stewardess here keeps smiling relentlessly. It's enough to make me sick. Perhaps it already has made the person in front of us ill, as he has been wretching for the past 10 minutes or so.

Christine has fallen asleep on my shoulder.

SCORE!

Will stop writing so that I do not risk awakening her.

-Erik

**July 18th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Well, it was my first day in London today.

Interesting, to say the least.

Am continuously getting weird looks on the street.

Christine says it is because people think I am an imposter.

That's PREPOSTEROUS!

I miss my punjab lasso already...

-Erik

**June 19th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is the show!

I'm a bit frightened.

I didn't go outside much today, I sent Christine to get us breakfast.

Came back with some terrible coffee and pastries.

Note to self: Never send Christine out for food.

Perhaps later I will venture out for some waffles...

-Erik

**June 20th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Getting ready for the show.

Christine says I shouldn't dress like myself.

Asked her why not.

Replied that people will make fun of me.

Pointed out that it was probably not wise to show up without a mask.

She agreed.

-Erik

**June 21st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

WELL.

Well, indeed.

I really must have some sort of meeting with this "Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber".

Raoul just HOPS into the lake in my lair without being assaulted by pointy-toothed creatures?

And getting away with Christine?

How is that in the story?

This "John Owen-Jones" person is certainly talented.

Not as talented as me of course.

But then, no one is. I'm just THAT cool.

-Erik

**June 23rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Returning to Paris tomorrow.

Time for another agonizing trip to the airport.

And I get to do it all over again to get to New York!

Oh goody!

Damn airplane people smiling so much and thinking I'm going to blow up the plane.

-Erik

**June 25th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Home again at last.

Have decided that next time, should arrange for Nadir to feed the vicious creatures, as they are looking a bit thin and un-menacing.

Except for the ones in the torture chamber.

Those ones have been fed, seemingly by stupid stagehands who insist on falling in.

-Erik

**June 26th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Took care of all my vicious animals.

Am poking fun at the vicomte.

He's jealous that I went to London with his girlfriend.

Haha.

And he's still missing fingers.

-Erik

**June 29th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine reminded me that I have to make robotic hand.

Damn it.

Will make a really poorly made model.

Will make sure it rusts up on him.

-Erik

**June 30th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Packing for trip to New York.

Am a little intimidated.

Will have to buy lots of maps so as not to get lost.

-Erik

-------------------------------------

_**Thank you to...**_

**obsession is love** - Nothing like some good old fashioned fop-bashing to cheer you up! Poor baby crocodiles!

**Nota Lone** - Yes, what was up with the hole "Whoops, I left my sword at some random spot in the opera house, let me leave my girlfriend with a deranged genius who is lusting after her while I go and get it"? Okay, so maybe that was my version, but admit it, I was close.

**The Singing Fox Demon **- Hooray for the Time Warp. That movie absolutely traumatized me!

**Le Fantom De Le Opera** - Glad I was able to amuse you. I don't really have any plans about an Erik/Christine romance. I'm not really very good at romance, plus, most romance fics lead inevitably to either a big sex scene or a dramatic death scene, and neither of which is really my "thing". I'm much better at humor.

**angel of mystery** - Yes, I agree, the fop is very stupid.

**devilofhumor** - Maybe you can buy one from Erik off eBay.

**monroe-mary** - Well, see, I'm torn between whether or not Erik should like the stage productions, because I am absolutely IN LOVE with Hugh Panaro and John Owen-Jones, but I really don't know what Erik would think of them.

**satha** - Well, we knew it was going to come eventually. He has to see the musical. Then maybe he can suffer through the 2004 movie.

**ElizabethArduena** - My Erik in this story isn't really based on any of them, although I suppose if I had to pick, he probably seems closer to Kay Erik than anything else. He's quite out of character, though.

**Baffled Seraph** - John Owen-Jones is AMAZING! He is definitely a most formidable rival to Michael Crawford for best phantom EVER. Michael Crawford, Hugh Panaro, and John Owen-Jones are my absolute favorite phantoms. Don't ask me to pick one favorite, because I don't think I could ever do it.

**Lamia** - Oh my, it seems that anyone who doesn't understand how funny phic is just thinks we're all insane people snorting milkshakes out our noses, falling off of chairs and having seizures!

**Son Ange** - Oh hurrah for getting your shirt::huggles you: Now we can be like freaky twins! My friend just got hers a few days ago and wore it to school. I keep telling everyone "Look, is she not wearing the best shirt ever?" and people are like "Will not be seduced by waffles? Huh? I don't get it." Well I suppose they're just not cool enough, huh?

**Opera Cloak** - Yay, you're review makes me feel all shiney. Mostly because you're an absolutely amazing humor author. Everyone bow down and worship/fangirl Opera Cloak for being amazing! I'm glad you approve!

**Marianne Brandon** - Everyone seems to be unable to wait for him to watch the stage show. I think I'll have to subject him to the torment of Gerry Butler. I've actually never seen the Lon Chaney film, unfortunately. As soon as I do, I'll make Erik watch it. I'm definitely surprised at how many people like and are buying the clothing! We're going to start a trend. The waffle trend. I hope you manage to get your hands on a shirt!

**Baby-Vixen** - Oh no! Not the Marshmallows! NOT THE MARSHMALLOWS! AHHH::gets trampled by killer marshmallows:

**Szonja** - Whoo! I rock! Yay! And of course Erik rocks. We all love Erik. Seriously, I think Christine had some weird mental disorder or something and that's why she left with Raoul.

**piratingelvenpyro** - An alternative to rope would also be duct tape. Although I'd make sure it didn't come in contact with any exposed skin. Ha, I'm glad this is a fic you can go back to and still laugh. Because everybody needs a laugh once in a while! As for the T-shirts, I've just recieved my own, and have been getting nothing but weird looks when I wear it. Mission Accomplished!

**TheIncredibleOne** - Glad you like! Always glad to see another person join the ranks of the insane who think that this is funny.

**cleesa** - Yep, the T-shirts are for real. Check out the site. Unfortunately, I can't make blueberry waffles unless they're coming out of a box and I just have to put them in the toaster!

**cheshiresmile** - I'm glad you like the style. I wrote it sort of like how I write in my own diary, because I usually am too lazy to write in full sentences, and obviously, Erik has better things to do that waste time writing in full sentences... like make us all WAFFLES!

**Deathtoallclovers** - Keeping your pervertism in is like trying to keep milk from squirting out your nose when you're laughing hysterically - It doesn't work, and it hurts to try!

**MegGiry** - You're welcome for the laughs, thank YOU for adding to the list of insane people walking the planet in weird shirts. There are quite a few of us our there now. We're going to rule the world!

**Anrion** - I love the Diaries of the Fellowship, and am very proud of myself that I could make you laugh more hysterically while reading these, because those diaries are probably some of the funniest pieces of fiction I have ever read.

**1spirit from neopets** - It is such a sad story, isn't it? Oh well, Erik will be able to have his fun... and his waffles.

**laughing softly** - Updating! Glad you like! I'm always self concious that my next chapter won't live up to the hype but all these reviews restore my confidence!

**Phantoms Little Lotte** - Oh of COURSE this isn't the end. We have to keep going. I adore Hugh Panaro as well, I had the pleasure of seeing him perform about a month ago, and he was absolutely phenomenal! I also had the pleasure of meeting him afterwards, and he's such a wonderful guy. Although afterwards my friend and I almost went swooning right down the stairs... anyway... HUGH ROCKS!

**PyroAkuma** - I wish I still had study halls where I could read fic. Because we all know that I would do that. Hurrah for reading fic in school!

**GoldenLyre** - Erik? Perfect? Well I always thought so too! Christine must have been on some new allergy medication or something.

**Elven Kagome** - Hurrah for more Hugh Panaro fans! Hugh is SO awesome. Strawberry ice cream is awesome too, but not quite as awesome as Hugh. Now, Hugh eating a bowl of strawberry ice cream, that's just amazing.

_**...for your lovely reviews! (And WOW were there a lot of them! And I mean A LOT!)**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	13. July, 1882

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

-------------------------------------

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: YOU GUYS! PLEASE VOTE FOR ME AT THE PHANPHIC AWARDS IN THE COMEDY CATEGORY AT THIS WEBSITE: **http / www . free webs . com / phan phic awards

(Take out the spaces. You all know the drill)

-------------------------------------

**July 1st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Can you believe it's been a year already?

I'm almost out of paper.

Fop offered to lend me some, but his choice of stationary tends to lean towards that with hearts, ponies, and rainbows.

That's not really my thing, you know?

Packing for my trip to New York. Am leaving tomorrow.

-Erik

**July 2nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Another agony-filled trip to the airport.

Decided that bringing the punjab lasso was a bad move, so left it home.

Didn't want it taken again.

Devoured many bags of peanuts thus far.

Am waiting for the overly cheerful woman who hands them out to return with more.

Am also wondering how she can possibly smile so much.

-Erik

**July 3rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

New York certainly is an... interesting place.

Little yellow cars driving around honking madly.

Almost got hit by one.

Was mildly upsetting.

Have been unable to find decent waffles. New York seems to have an obsession with Bagels, Hot Dogs, and Pretzels.

Waffles are so much cooler than Bagels.

I mean, come on.

Bagels are like doughnuts that went on a diet.

-Erik

**July 4th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine and I getting ready to leave for the show.

Christine convinced that I am going to get mobbed by phans.

Pointed out to her the the proper spelling was "fans"

She said everything was hotter when it was spelled with a PH.

And that phans is the proper spelling anyway.

Well fine then, we'll go by her masterful use of the english language.

-Erik

**July 5th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Last night's show exceedingly enjoyable.

Sitting in the front is a lot of fun.

Mostly because of the awesome pyrotechnics.

I approve.

Bought myself a T-shirt.

Christine said it was stupid for me to get a shirt with my own mask on it.

And then she bought one.

Said she only bought it so she could get it signed by Hugh.

Told her my autograph was worth more.

Said she didn't care, Hugh was hot.

Ouch.

Burned.

-Erik

**July 6th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Am still sight-seeing in New York.

Have grown tired of Bagels, Hot Dogs, and Pretzels.

Have journeyed to a convenience store.

Had to suffer through some teenaged girl latching onto my leg and professing her undying love for me.

Honestly, some people.

Loaded up on sugar infested treats.

Hurrah.

-Erik

**July 8th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Still on a sugar buzz.

A bit too much chocolate and too many little paper tubes of sugar.

They just taste so good.

Christine wants to drag me to a club tomorrow night.

She said I'm definitely going.

I said only if I get to sit in a corner and down some decent alcoholic beverages.

She laughed at me.

**July 10th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Never go clubbing with Christine.

Or, if you must, don't let her near anything with any alcohol in it.

She can't handle it.

She got a little insane.

I just sat in the corner.

Hit it off with this goth chick, but she got mad when I told her I already had a girlfriend.

However, said girlfriend was dancing with some horrible little American...

Was disgusting.

Never go clubbing with Christine.

-Erik

**July 13th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Packing up to go back home to my depressing little basement.

Okay, so it's not very depressing with the hot tub and the foosball and the airhockey and all that jazz.

Actually, it's down right cool.

I have the best bachelor pad around.

Except that it's always infested with Christine, so I suppose it isn't really a bachelor pad.

-Erik

**July 15th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

I'm back home, safe and sound.

Well, mostly.

Had a bit of an overdose of peanuts.

And Christine drooled on my shoulder while she was asleep.

That was kind of gross.

-Erik

**July 16th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Ah, back to my lovely blueberry waffles.

Have missed those while vacationing.

No one makes better waffles than me.

I'm just good at everything it seems.

Aren't I awesome?

Man, I'd be so jealous if I wasn't me.

-Erik

**July 17th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine slapped me for being cocky.

I suppose I sort of deserved that.

Will not be cocky any more.

But come on.

I am pretty cool.

-Erik

**July 18th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

It's the anniversary of my dropping of the chandelier.

I don't think anyone remembered.

Hinted at it to Christine, but she has no idea.

Are my triumphs so easily forgotten?

I am going to go be depressed with a pint of ice cream now.

-Erik

**July 20th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Raoul's ponytail has had some serious growth going on.

Will obviously have to amend that.

And fast.

I will get around to sharpening my scissors later today.

Come on, if I can't make the stupid fop miserable, what good am I?

That's what I thought.

-Erik

**July 21st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Am beginning to think I should just keep the ponytails in a trophy case, because they never seem to fetch much money on eBay.

Perhaps I can mount this one on a plaque or something.

Although I'm not sure if the ponytail of an annoying fop is exactly what I want hanging over my fireplace.

It doesn't really go with the rest of the house, you know?

Perhaps it can go in the bathroom...

-Erik

**July 23rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Nadir came by today.

Was not too happy.

Showed me his very chewed up shoe.

Said that happened when he tried to feed my crocodiles.

Told him it was not my fault he got too close.

He got all huffy and left.

Left the chewed up shoe.

Threw it to the crocodiles.

-Erik

**July 24th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Crocodiles rejected rest of shoe.

Shall have to tell Nadir that his feet smell.

Shall get him odor-eater shoe inserts for his birthday.

Don't suspect the gesture will be appreciated.

Oh well.

-Erik

**July 27th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Raoul complaining about his robotic hand.

Said it has been rusting up.

Well DUH.

I did that on purpose.

But he doesn't know that.

He doesn't know much of anything though, so that isn't saying much.

Told him I'd fix it.

Made it greasy so he leaves black marks on everything.

-Erik

**July 28th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Raoul realized about the grease.

But only after he got it in his precious hair.

Oh, poor baby.

Has hobbled off to the hair salon to get it "repaired"

I will just have to mess it up again.

-Erik

**July 29th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

RAOUL THAT LITTLE RAT!

He got hair extensions.

Well.

I obviously can't just let that HAPPEN.

But if I simply cut it off, he'll get more extensions.

I will have to come up with a better plan.

-Erik

**July 30th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have devised a plan.

Will dye Raoul's hair.

Will dye it a very dark and ugly green, that way, he will be unable to dye it back to a light color, but will instead have to cover it with a very dark and ugly brown, so his hair will look like something vomited up by someone on an airplane.

I love my evil plans.

Am off to buy hair dye.

-Erik

**July 31st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Operation Dye The Fophead is officially put into action.

Will sneak into his room tonight while he is asleep.

He's a very heavy sleeper.

Sleeps with strange music on though.

Something with the lyrics "Dora, dora, dora the EXPLORER!"

Must shoot the lyricist.

Now.

-Erik

-------------------------------------

_**REMEMBER, GO VOTE AT THE PHANPHIC AWARDS!**_

_**Thank you to...**_

**Kute Anime Kitty** - Erik can't punjab the crocs because then PETA would be on his adorable little butt! Hehehe...

**Arien Belthil** - Oh Erik Waffles rule, obviously. I do hope that unlike Christine, you will WASH your shirt. And props for making your mom laugh! I suppose it's good that I try to keep this family friendly... mostly...

**Erik's Girlfriend** - Congrats! I'm still waiting on mine from Amazon.

**Enchanted Oasis** - Doesn't everyone get dreamy over Hugh? I adore him... anyway, back to the fic.

**Killthefop** - Maybe she's like Elijah Wood? Anyone who has watched the LOTR commentaries and stuff knows this already, but he can sleep ANYWHERE, ANYTIME. He's weird. I'll bet he's an alien.

**Marianne Brandon** - I will do my best to get my hands on the Lon Chaney film. Gerry IS a mediocre singer, and it's so upsetting. Oh my, when my school served breakfast for lunch my friends and I started laughing so hard. It was hilarious. Waffles are awesome. Much better than studying for exams, obviously.

**Angel-Of-Music1331** - Yay, go vote for me::hugs:

**monroe-mary** - Of course Erik is that cool. Although I don't think he appreciated the ending at all. I'm kind of scared of what Erik would think of Gerry, which is why I've been procrastinating making him watch the movie.

**GoldenLyre** - Haha, I never really thought as many people would like this, but I guess they do. So that means they should all go vote for me. Hehehe. I'm glad I was able to cheer you up before your exam.

**Baffled Seraph** - I think that was possibly everybody's favorite entry. It's the one everyone keeps quoting.Where are you going to see Phantom? I hope it's someplace with someone good!

**SarahBelle** - Exactly, no one cares about the fop. Or his ever-so-perfectly manicured fingers. I think Waffles are Erik's favorite food. I don't know much else about his diet except that he hates fopcakes. Hehehe.

**Lamia** - Gah! I'm sorry I took so long! I know what it's like to sit there refreshing rabidly waiting for the stories you love reading to update. It's torturous!

**obsessionislove** - I'm convinced that entry is the popular favorite from this chapter. But Erik IS that cool.

**gavvie** - Updating as often as possible! I hate to keep you all waiting!

**Son Ange** - French teachers truly are a strange breed. But props to you for taking French! I take French too. It's so much cooler than Spanish... :ducks barrage of fruit being thrown by spanish students:

**Mongie** - Because obviously Erik wants to hijack a plane. How stupid can those airplane officials be?

**TheIncredibleOne** - No, you see, I have a chapter all set and ready to upload if I die. It's in my will. It says "Upload file idied.doc to and add to "Diary of an Erik"". Ha, just kidding. But yea, I'm not dead! Whee!

**piratingelvenpyro** - You did? Thank you! I couldn't figure out for the life of me who it was!

**Le Fantome De L'Opera** - Ha, that's my own personal pet peeve, going shopping and being unable to find decent clothing. And Erik is always dressed so properly.

**Nota Lone** - Haha, I have taken to fast forwarding through that bit... I'm so mean.

**sinfuldelight** - Oh dear, perhaps if you're rolling around on the floor, we should get Erik to lend you his lint remover? I can only assume he has one. I can't picture him with lint on his wonderful evening suit.

**angel of mystery **- Hurrah for sugar!

**Cleesa** - Gah, it seems everyone has been waiting for updates. And since I take so long, I have SO MANY of these replies to write. I FEEL SO LOVED::hugs all her fans:

**Noni-Noelle** - Raoul and Kim Possible - interesting concept. I mean, he watches My Little Pony, so you really must wonder what else he does in his spare time.

**MegGiry** - FREAKS OF THE WORLD, UNITE! I probably spend about 20 minutes every time I wear the "Phic Addict" shirt attempting to explain what exactly Phic is. Because if I say "Phantom of the Opera Fan Fiction", no one understands. We really must see to educating the masses.

**Tsunami Wave - **Oh of course. Erik has wonderful fashion sense.

**deathtoallclovers** - Rock on for phanphic award nominations::high five: Yes, we really must punjab those nasty airline people.

**decep. - Darn, I seemed so invincible! No one could flame ME! Sorry you think I nabbed the idea, it's something my friends and I say all the time around school, so I thought it would be funny to include. It's a very commonly parodied phrase.**

**Seika Hellsing** - Isn't Hugh awesome? I LOVE HIM! We want Erik to strip? The speedos and the hot tub aren't enough? Oh EEEE-RIIIIIK!

**The Singing Fox Demon** - Yes, my friend was telling me about this movie theater that has midnight showings of RHPS... she says it's quite crazy.

**Phantoms Little Lotte** - Ice cream on waffles is good. Plus, it might make Erik sugar high. That would be hysterical. :runs up and puts something about Erik getting sugar high in chapter:

**Baby-Vixen** - Yay for marshmallows... I still have some marshmallow bunnies from Easter... I wonder if they're stale yet?

**No One Mourns The Wicked** - And my reviewers rock my world, so this world must be on a darn huge rocking chair!

**Shade sunslayer** - First may I say that I adore your little () So cute. Erik + Waffles + Speedo GUH!

**satha** - Poor Erik in America. :runs off to NYC to hunt him down and kidnap him: I mean...er... right.

**totalspiffiness** - Glad you like the stories. There actually are some shirts concerning Lip Gloss. "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict" and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss" I believe.

**Lucinda** - Haha, I seem to be keeping everyone from their homework - myself included!

**Videocirapter** - Glad you enjoyed it, and here's your update!

**Aggie** - I agree, certain months seem to be funnier than others. I think it depends on how much sugar I had.

**Meredith** - Oh you can see the fop tied to a chair when we make a film of this - wouldn't that be hilarious::plots to kidnap her friends and make the film some entries:

_**...for your lovely reviews!**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	14. August, 1882

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: YOU GUYS! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR VOTES AT THE PHANPHIC AWARDS! PLEASE CONTINUE TO VOTE FOR ME AT THE PHANPHIC AWARDS IN THE COMEDY CATEGORY AT THIS WEBSITE: **http/ www. freewebs. com / phanphicawards

(Take out the spaces. You all know the drill)

**August 1st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Am writing on a candy bar wrapper that I have secured inside my diary with duct tape.

Duct tape is rather useful, I've learned.

When I go to the store to pick up the fop's hair dye, I will be sure to pick up some stationary.

The type with NO ponies on it.

And that isn't pink.

That's the only kind I can get from people around here.

Erik

**August 2nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Back from shopping.

Have a bottle of very hideous green hair dye.

I think he will look like an asparagus.

Or some other disgusting greenish vegetable.

Like artichokes.

I could use this oppurtunity for a really lame "choke" pun, but I'm not that pressed for jokes.

Yet.

Erik

**August 3rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have procured blueprints of the fop's bedroom.

Will be sure to be VERY secretive about it, as I have heard terrible stories concerning the stupid fophead, a weapon and a poor defenseless kitten.

Oh yes, Erik the kitten...

Because obviously it's ever so difficult to distinguish myself from a kitten.

Honestly.

Erik

**August 4th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Operation Dye The Fophead to commence in O... Um... something... hundred... hours...

Okay...

Well I tried...

Operation Dye The Fophead to commence at midnight!

That makes more sense does it not?

Erik

**August 5th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

ODTF (Operation Dye The Fophead... my hand is getting tired) went smoothly.

Have yet to see if it has had the desired effect, as the fop is still asleep.

But he sleeping with some moldy asparagus on his head.

It turns out that the dye has a particularly bad stench as well, which adds to the absolute hysteria of the situation.

Will await the screams of a tortured and asparagus-headed fop.

Erik

**August 6th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Okay, the screaming is starting to get on my nerves.

He screamed from the second he looked into his mirror until...

Well, he hasn't stopped.

Well, that I know of anyway.

He was screaming when he left for the hairdresser, and he was screaming when he came back, so one can only assume that he was screaming the entire time.

Erik

**August 7th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Gagged the fop with one of Nadir's socks.

That shut him up.

Not sure if it shut him up because he was incapable of screaming, or because he passed out.

Definitely going to buy Nadir something to take care of that.

Nadir always did hate my Christmas presents...

Erik

**August 10th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

ODTF went better than I hoped.

His hair salon cannot seem to get rid of the asparagus green hair.

I offered my assistance to him.

I told him if he wanted, I'd shave his head.

Or better yet, wax it.

He declined.

Party pooper...

Erik

**August 12th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine inquired as to the fop's exotic new hairdo.

Exotic?

More like demonic...

I told her he was wearing my dinner from the night before.

She said that she hoped I had better taste in food than that.

Erik

**August 14th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have asked the fop to autograph a photo I took of him with his asparagus hair.

He just tried to slap me.

But he's rather girly about it, and extended his arms, turned his head, shut his eyes, and waggled his hands at me aimlessly.

Told him I was going to send his headshot to his agent because I heard they were doing some casting for "Veggie Tales on Ice"

Fop not too pleased.

Erik

**August 15th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Got a phone call back from the talent agency.

Said they are interested in meeting the fophead.

Raoul not overjoyed to hear this.

Told him he should be proud of his asparagusness.

He just glared at me.

Did not try to slap me again, however.

Erik

**August 16th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Still trying to get the fop to audition for the Veggie Tales on Ice.

Would make for a night of exceptional entertainment, I think.

He said he would think about it.

I should do this the good old way.

Tell him he will do it, or I will punjab him.

That always did seem to accomplish things more effectively.

Erik

**August 18th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have convinced fop to audition for the Veggie thing.

I always was skilled in persuasion.

And I'm sure the fact that I was brandishing a freshly tied punjab lasso had nothing at all to do with it.

I'll just go tuck that away now...

Erik

**August 20th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Thank goodness summer is drawing to a close...

It's quite hot down in the wretched basement.

And there are no windows to put an air conditioner in.

Shall have to see about having central air put in, as I'm quite certain I look rediculous walking around with a bag of ice on my head.

Christine always keeps one inside her shirt when she stops by.

Told her she's going to get frostbite in very unpleasant places.

She told me if I was that worried about her, I could retrieve the ice myself.

That is one tricky little woman, that is...

Erik

**August 21st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have invested in a fan.

Slightly more effective than ice, and when using ice and fan, it's almost comfortable down here.

I wish the hot tub had an alternate feature - cold.

Especially since certain reptilian creatures prevent me from swimming in the lake.

Had to stop Christine from jumping in after she lost her ice.

She asked me to look for it, but I am wise to her antics...

Erik

**August 23rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Raoul has be cast in the role of the asparagus in Veggie Tales on Ice.

Said he wouldn't do it, but he needs the money.

Asked him how he could possibly need money with his rich little family.

Said he spent all his money on hair products and lip gloss.

Was about to point out how stupid he was, but was almost knocked to the ground by the stench of cherry lipgloss as he pulled out a tube to apply more, as he tends to do about every five minutes.

It's really quite annoying.

**August 24th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Raoul off to rehersals for Veggie stuff.

Will be gone all day, every day.

That is a VERY excited bit of news.

Shall have to take up a residence in his bedroom during the hours he is away.

I shall be sure to mess up his perfectly cleaned little lodging.

Bwahahaha!

Erik

**August 25th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Tried to mess up the fophead's room.

Was quite unsuccessful.

Could not bring myself to touch all the disgusting pink... stuff...

It's actually rather gross...

And the STENCH!

It's absolutely overpowering!

Between the cherry lip gloss stench, and the assault of pinkness, I had to leave.

Erik

**August 26th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Tried to send Christine in to mess up the fop's room.

She refused.

Said she would be sick all over his floor.

I said that was all right, just to be sure she didn't clean it up afterwards.

She slapped me.

What did I do?

Erik

**August 28th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Could not get Christine to go into the fop's room.

Damn her.

It's SO hard to find good help these days.

Perhaps shall get Nadir to leave some of his dirty laundry on the bed.

Might be gross enough to overpower the smell of lip gloss.

Christine pointed out that my whole "smell of death" bit isn't the most pleasant either.

Told her not to make fun of my gland disorder.

Erik

**August 29th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Am growing restless again.

Perhaps I will have to drop another chandelier on somebody.

Christine said that dropping chandeliers is not the answer.

Told her that dropping large and elaborate lighting fixtures solves all the problems in the world.

Christine suggested counseling.

Like I, Erik, The Phantom of the Opera, need COUNSELING...

Pfft...

Erik

**August 31st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Am now signed up for counseling.

Christine signed me up.

I think it's the stupidest idea in the world.

She thinks it will help me work through my "issues"

I still say that all my "issues" could be solved by the dropping of a large and elaborate lighting fixture.

In other news, have received a very threatening letter from the fop.

Well, as threatening as a letter from a fop could possibly be.

Says he will have revenge for the asparagus hair, and the daroga-laundry in his room.

Ha, that's funny.

Erik

_**REMEMBER, GO VOTE AT THE PHANPHIC AWARDS!**_

_**Thank you to...**_

**Chandelier-sama** - Yay Hugh Panaro indeed! And yes, Christine is odd. I mean, I've always known there was something not quite right about her, haven't you? I'm not all too fond of the French dub. I prefer him to Gerry, and have therefore taken to watching the movie in French, (and because French is such a pretty language) but Hugh definitely has more talent that both of them combined, in my opinion. R/C scares EVERYONE, silly!

**GoldenLyre** - Thanks for voting for me! I'm surprised that I've been able to get as many votes as I've gotten, because I'm up against some of the most amazing fics I've every read. You should all go read the fics I'm competing against, because most of them are absolutely outstanding.

**Baby-Vixen** - Yea, they're sitting in a cabinet... it's those little Peeps things. Perhaps I'll give them to Erik next Christmas.

**arianna-1984** - You bought a shirt! Hurrah! See, I can never connect the purchaser with their username on fanfiction, so I can't tell who has them unless you tell me. But that's awesome! I hope everyone gives you funny looks when you wear it!

**Marianne Brandon** - I would just like to say that I LOVE LONG REVIEWS! Thanks for the super long one. And I should therefore give you a very long reply. New York pretzels are awesome. My mom bought some fake ones from the store, and I can't get them to taste right for the life of me. Though somehow, I don't imagine pretzels being part of Erik's diet. And we can all see Erik clubbing. Come on, I mean, he must get bored of his basement sometimes. I bet Nadir goes with him! Although I can't quite imagine Erik being drunk out of his head. Ha, I'd like to think that the teenager latching onto Erik's leg was one of us! Erik's becoming a little more confident, and now has created a masterful plan to make the fop miserable. He seems to be SO good at that. But then, he's just that cool, isn't he?

**Erik For President** - Well you see, he's done that already! Erik doesn't seem like the kind of person who would just get bored and use the same torture method again on the same person.

**Kute Anime Kitty** - And here is your update! Wouldn't want to keep you waiting!

**Arien Belthil** - Ha, I wish my mom would read M-Rated humor fics over my shoulder... like she doesn't think I'm weird enough already!

**Deathtoallclovers** - Oh, yay, PUNJAB::flicks punjab lasso masterfully: Erik would be proud.

**EverspringNative** - Poker night is awesome. I mean, come on, what do these opera types do when there's no performance? They have to find some way to spend their free time.

**Leana R Foxfoot** - You know, I really didn't think about that all that much. Use your imagination!

**LoverofBalto** - Yea, I do jump around and touch on tons of random things. It's basically whatever comes into my head. Which is simply pure insanity!

**Kiyuu-Chan** - Thanks for the vote! Speaking of the rock-in-rollish version of Phantom, it's rather ironic, as I just heard that for the first time yesterday... It was... interesting to say the least. I think it might drive Erik to forsake his Punjab and just pull out a shotgun and run wild in the streets. I can't imagine he'd be pleased with it.

**Le Fantome De L'Opera** - Aw... :blushes: I'm not that good... :looks at above chapter: Oh no, will I be able to live up to the hype? Hehehe...

**Shade Sunslayer** - Congrats on having the pleasure of seeing His Amazingness (A.K.A. Hugh)perform. And yes, I love the little kitty face. It's adorable.

**sinful delight** - Sinful Delight, is that referring to all fanfiction? Because that's the first thing I think of when I see your username! Fanfiction is SUCH a guilty pleasure. Hehehe... I personally would probably steal Erik's lint remover and put it in a shrine of some sort. All hail the mighty lint remover. Anyway, after this chapter, I should say that Erik is far from bored. And don't worry about people thinking you're insane. It's all good. Thanks so much for the vote! I must be getting annoying now, asking everyone to go and vote for me.

**DarkSilverMaiden** - Oh dear, exam time. I do so hate that time of year. Glad this was able to give you a little break!

**obsession is love** - No! Erik! Quick! CPR::throws Erik at you to recussitate you and bring you back from the dead:

**Cleesa** - Oh yes, I can't imagine anyone would be all too pleased to eat Nadir's shoe. I can hardly imagine a movie version of this. And since there's no singing involved, I'd be all too happy to cast Gerry in it, as he's quite the pretty little thing.

**Virginia Wildchild** - I always knew Erik would hate the ending of the musical. Because he knows that it obviously wasn't the truth. What WAS our dear Lord Webber thinking? I personally think the movie wasn't that great at all, and Gerry was just a piece of it's downfall. Although I still watch it. A lot. I can't quite explain that to myself. I think it's mostly because I can't just walk over to Broadway and watch Hugh whenever I'd like, because those tickets cost an arm and a leg. Quite a shame.

**Angel-Of-Music1331** - :tosses some of Erik's waffles your way: Thanks for the vote! It's absolutely appreciated!

**Killthefop** - I'll bet the fop watches Bob the Builder too!

**The Singing Fox Demon** - As you wish! Here is your update! And hurrah for destroying the fop's carefully constructed 'do.

**Erik's Girlfriend** - You must be mistaken, as Modern Inconveniences is not a fic I have written. While I'd rather not imagine Erik throwing up, I agree with your claim that he could probably look sexy doing anything.

**hikkifan89** - Glad you enjoyed it, and glad I earned myself a spot on your favorite stories list. I never expected the phic to get this popular, but every day my inbox is flooded with reviews. I feel so loved::fluff moment:

**Nota Lone** - Hooray for frozen brain cells! Glad you liked the update. It's far overdue!

**Baffled Seraph** - Phoenix? Wow. I have no idea. Hugh is amazing, as is John. I don't know if you've heard either of them before. Drop me an email if you'd like to have a listen. Oh, I do hope the voting site isn't down or anything. That would not be cool.

**Son Ange** - :joins in the chucking of croissants: French power! Waffles are cooler than EVERYTHING... Dora! I have a little cousin who quite enjoys Dora... so every time I babysit, I think of the fop.

**piratingelvenpyro** - Oh, but of course, you're ever so dignified. And I know everyone wants to feel closer to Erik. :evil grin: I don't know, Gerry just doesn't do it for me. As for the emotion, sometimes I think he overdoes it a bit. Plus, (and this is the big thing for me) he couldn't make me cry. Every time I see the stage show, I always say I won't cry, and yet Hugh Panaro and David Gaschen (the two Phantoms I've seen live) have me sitting there sobbing. DAMN THEM! Nah, I'm kidding. That's my way of knowing they did a good job.

**livworld** - Yep, writing more as fast as possible. Hope you enjoy the new chapter!

**Lamia** - Well that was a quick review! But appreciated nonetheless.

**TheIncredibleOne** - Yes, I fear I'm responsible for making your day stranger. Thank you for the vote. I'm determined to put up a fight in the vote!

**Lauri** - I'm glad I got you laughing. That's what the world needs these days - More LAUGHTER!

**Phantoms Little Lotte** - Hmm... I'm liking the "light the fop on fire" idea. But then the fop would be just as disfigured as dear Erik... although if he has any more run-ins with Erik's little "friends", I suppose it sha'n't matter any more, shall it? I love the word "sha'n't"

**monroe-mary** - I love it when author's answer my reviews, so I'd figure I'd do the same. Although, like I've said before, I wasn't expecting such a huge response to my story! I have over 200 reviews so far on this story alone! It's mind boggling. Oh well. It gives me something to do! Oh Erik is WAY too sexy for his mask. What? Guys can't be depressed with a pint of ice cream too? Maybe Erik is just getting in touch with his more "feminine" side.

**White Eevee** - Glad you like it! It's always great to hear from someone who liked it!

**Videociraptor** - I don't know how you did live without it, Phantom is AMAZING. Ha, glomp is such a great word. I love it.

**introducing-prologue** - While I agree that my style of writing in these stories is similar to the style used in the Very Secret Diaries, I would like to think that these stories are made up of original ideas. Glad you think it's funny anyway.

**babymene17** - Hooray for giggle fits!

**LenisVox** - Oh dear, shall we put that lung back in where it came from? Jolly good! Glad I made you laugh!

**peppermintoreo** - You don't like WAFFLES? Oh I'm sure our dear Erik can amend that! Glad you like the phic!

_**...for your lovely reviews!**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "www . cafe press . com / waffle lovers" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


	15. September, 1882

_**The Diary Of An Erik**_

-------------------------------------

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Phantom of the Opera, in any of it's incarnations.

**Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who voted for me at the phanphic awards! Thanks to all of my fans, I won! AND I'M SO SORRY TO EVERYONE! It's been an obscenely long time since my last update. I've been particularly involved with my phic "The Shadow In The Wings" and... GAH! I'm really sorry! Forgive me for being a bad authoress! I'll make up for it! I made more shirts. LOL! Even if you don't buy them, they're still funny to look at. There's 4 new designs, and I've redone the shop. There's a link at the bottom. **

-------------------------------------

**September 1st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have just seen the papers.

Fop not as incompetant in revenge attempts as I had hoped.

Has submitted some rather embarassing photos of me to the tabloids.

Cannot have people running around with the false impression that I suck my thumb.

Because I don't, of course.

He photoshopped it, I'm sure.

-Erik

**September 2nd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have been running around the tabloid offices punjabbing the persons responsible for the publishing of the aforementioned photographs.

Was not very effective.

As I walk through the streets people laugh at me and whisper.

Well, more than they used to, anyway...

-Erik

**September 3rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have raided the fops room of any photographs that could potentially be used for blackmail.

Including the one of me hugging something that looks suspiciously like a teddy bear.

It isn't, of course.

I was just folding my laundry.

My brown shirt.

With fur on it.

And ears.

What?

-Erik

**September 5th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

After recent traumatizing events, have decided that perhaps shrink trip will not be so bad.

Am going later this afternoon.

Christine would have made me go anyway, though.

Traumatized or not.

Although she claims I was traumatized to begin with...

What-EVER.

-Erik

**September 6th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Shrinks are so wonderfully pointless.

If I had a nickel for every time that damned man said "And how does that make you feel" I might just have enough nickels to pay the damned bill entirely in bloody nickels!

I actually entertained the idea of dropping a rather large bucket of nickels on the shrink's head, as the lighting fixture in the room was too small to do any damage if dropped.

The shrink says I should stop dropping lighting fixtures.

And antagonizing the fop.

And all other mischief-making should cease.

I then asked what exactly I was supposed to do to entertain myself.

Shrink prescribed Television.

-Erik

**September 7th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have begun my new regimen of watching television instead of dropping chandeliers.

Although how the general public sits on couches staring at moving pictures for hours on end is beyond me.

I really am getting bored.

I almost miss the fop...

Almost...

Well, mostly I just miss annoying him.

-Erik

**September 8th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

No longer miss the fop.

Apparently, there was a photograph I did not confisgate.

A very bad one.

Very VERY bad.

Am going back to the shrink, because I can't stand this "television" thing, and because I am feeling some oncoming emotional distress.

And the shrink says that's bad.

-Erik

**September 10th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

I thought the shrink was pointless before...

Damn did he prove it.

Asked me how I felt about everything.

Replied that I told him how I felt and he damn well better do something about it.

Shrink says I should try not to be so irritable.

I wouldn't BE irritable if everyone ELSE wasn't so damn annoying.

-Erik

**September 14th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

No more shrink appointments for me.

Turns out the lighting fixture in the office wasn't as incompetant as I thought.

He's only in a coma, but that's okay.

Won't have to listen to his "television" advice anymore.

Thanks to my excessive "television" viewing, I'm getting a bit pudgy.

I'd better fix this before I wind up like Piangi.

I'm telling you, you gain a few pounds, and then suddenly it gets out of control and people are mistaking you for a beached whale.

HOW CAN THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA BE MISTAKEN FOR A BEACHED WHALE?

I am getting a gym membership.

NOW.

-Erik

**September 15th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

First day at gym.

Not fun.

Did not realize that even if you stop walking, the damned tracks on the tredmills keep on moving.

Had a less-than-friendly meeting with a very hard wall behind me.

Not pleasant at all.

Am also still surrounded by televisions.

That can't be good.

-Erik

**September 17th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Me and the gym were just not made for each other.

Christine suggests I use the pool at the gym.

She's really not all that subtle, is she?

Oh well.

-Erik

**September 18th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

As exercise regimen is really not working, Christine suggests I try therapy again.

Told her absolutely not.

She replied that she had already signed me up for group therapy, so I had no choice.

I hope she does not value the lives of anyone in said group.

She says at least this time, there will be witnesses.

Damn her.

-Erik

**September 19th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

First day in group therapy did not go well.

Well, what was to be expected?

We were sitting in a circle, oh how I despise that shape and it's ROUNDness... so bland and boring...

Anyway, we were going around, stating our names, where we came from, and what we did for a living.

What was I supposed to say? Hi, my name is Bob, I live in Alabama and work at a gas station?

Christine says yes, that is precisely what I should have said.

Told her that I did not need to add "compulsive liar" to my list of mental disorders.

-Erik

**September 21st, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine insists I return to group therapy.

Noticed that not too many people came back today.

Do not understand. All I said was "Good morning, my name is Erik, I live in a basement, and to support myself, I haunt the local opera house, occasionally killing people less important than myself."

Do not see what all the fuss is about.

-Erik

**September 23rd, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Fed up with group therapy.

Will punjab the group leader at next meeting.

Hopefully, without leader, remaining persons will scatter like little lost sheep.

If not, will simply have to punjab them as well.

If you look at it, I really win either way, now don't I?

-Erik

**September 24th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Group leader has been properly disposed of.

As were several stubborn little men who got in the way.

Have taken their name-tags and put them on the wall next to one of the fop's ponytails.

I'm telling you, I should start a whole trophy cabinet with these sort of things.

I wonder if there's a way of finding the remnants of the fop's fingers and toes... I'm not all too keen on sticking my hand into the lake at this particular point in time.

-Erik

**September 26th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Christine is angry with me.

Says I shouldn't have killed my entire group therapy class.

Told her I didn't kill them all.

And I didn't.

I'm quite certain some of them escaped alive.

-Erik

**September 27th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Fop has been growing tired of rehersals for Veggie Tales on Ice.

Says his feet are getting blisters.

Told him to cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it.

Fop did not find this funny.

Told him I will come and laugh at him on opening night. In fact, I have already secured my tickets.

Fop did not find this funny either.

Stupid fop, has no sense of humor.

-Erik

**September 29th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Have invited Christine to the opening night of the Veggie Tales Catastrophe next month.

Said she's love to go.

Says she has a soft spot for tomatoes.

Told her that tomatoes are not really vegetables.

She replied that it doesn't matter, because there's a tomato in Veggie Tales.

What are they trying to teach these children with these damn vegetables that are, in fact, fruits?

-Erik

**September 30th, 1882**

Dear Diary,

Am now in a huge fight with Christine over the whole tomato bit.

She claims that since it's in Veggie Tales, it must be a vegetable.

I showed her that the dictionary states that a tomato is " A widely cultivated South American plant (Lycopersicon esculentum) having edible, fleshy, usually red fruit."

HA. FRUIT.

So there.

-Erik

-------------------------------------

_**Thank you to...**_

**EverspringNative** - Haha, Erik is so clueless. Although I have a feeling he's just pretending. I do tend to quite disregard time, having the diaries dated in 1882 and yet giving Erik a foosball table in his basement. Well come on, did they have Veggie Tales on Ice in 1882?

**Kute Anime Kitty** - Ah yes, Erik in counseling. We all know he needs it. We'll see how much of it he can take.

**Cleesa** - My friends and I acting did a foppish fight scene in a movie one of my friends was making for photography class. It was quite hysterical. Even more so when watched in slow motion. Congratulations on no longer being a stage show virgin!

**CharmedLeoLvr** - Glad you seem to be enjoying the story. I aim to please! And kill time... But mostly to please.

**piratingelvenpyro** - Raoul does EVERYTHING like a girl it seems. Veggie Tales on Ice will certainly prove to be a wonderful night of family fun. NEXT chapter. What? I already had the foppish revenge plot AND counseling in this one... too much crazy, and we might all pass out. I promise I won't take so long to update this time. Besides, the faster I update, the less time I spend sitting here typing out review replies. I'll have you know that I have FOUR PAGES of reviews to reply to. I FEEL SO LOVED!

**gavvie** - Thanks for the kind words. Erik needed that counseling, you know it!

**peppermintoreo** - Oh it's always funny to laugh at exboyfriends. Is he at all foppish? Anyway, as for the fop's cherry lip gloss, I like to keep the humor at a mix of old stuff that carries on, and new stuff, like the Veggie Tales venture. Christine seems to just be one big ball of sexual innuendo. We'll know when Erik gives in to her tricks. There's be an entry that just says. "WOW." LOL.

**Marianna Brandon** - Oh dear! No heart attacks! Please! I don't need any lawsuits! I already have enough people choking on beverages, my lawyer is beginning to wonder what in heaven's name I've been doing. Prince Charming and Raoul should definitely get together and do lunch or something. In my mind, I just see them as best buddies. I would definitely like to go see how Erik dances when he goes clubbing, but somehow, I just can't imagine him on the dance floor dancing with scantily clad women. That is, until we get there and force him to. Moohaha. Long-term bliss - when eternal bliss is just too long. Hehehe. Hopefully when we learn more about Raoul's Veggie Tale ventures next chapter, it will live up to the hype. That's the one thing I am constantly paranoid of - posting a chapter that's just all around not funny. So you all have to tell me if that happens. And don't worry about posting long reviews. I LOVE 'EM!

**Seika Hellsing** - Yes, there are interesting times to come with the Fop. I'm not really in the know about Veggie Tales, so I'll have to do some research about that one. But NO Backstreet Boys! I might have to shoot Raoul. And where can I get one of those "ERIK IS SEXY" shirts? I'm a whore for cool shirts. LOL.

**Erik's Girlfriend** - No worries! And thanks for voting for me! I really appreciate it. I'm pathetic, I printed out the little graphic and hung it in my room.

**TheIncredibleOne** - I highly doubt any psychologist is going to be able to figure Erik out. I'm sure he's one of the cases not covered in the medical books. You ate some asparagus? EW! I actually hate it with a passion - probably why I used it for Raoul. Because the only other green vegetable that came to mind right away was broccoli, and I like that.

**Angel-of-Music1331** - If I was counting on flames to light the stove, I must say, I wouldn't be able to light the stove too often. Most of my reviews are full of nothing but kind words, in fact, I've only had 2 or 3 flames. I think Erik gave those to the fop. I'm imagining Erik now in an appliance store shopping for a waffle maker. Something to store away in the back of my mind for a future chapter.

**Arien Belthil** - WHOOHOO FOR A FIESTA! Who cares if people think we're weird? We are, aren't we? And it's FUN! Remember, Erik's a real wackjob too, so we can all be weird together!

**Lamia** - Aw, I hope you're feeling better now! I think next chapter is definitely going to be good, with the Veggie Tales show. Got your other reviews in my inbox! Whee!

**Baffled Seraph** - I think that Raoul's bedroom is the deepest level of Hell. It's just so... TERRIBLE! And I think you're right, all of us phans probably need the counseling as much as Erik does. Possibly MORE than Erik does. HOORAY FOR GROUP THERAPY!

**GoldenLyre** - Gah, I feel so bad for letting you all down with updates! I will update! I have no school now, so I'll update everything! I really will! I promise!

**AngelOfMusic387** - Now there's a next chapter button! The T-shirt thing really wasn't that hard to do. I'm a total whore for cool T-shirts, as I believe I've already mentioned, so I was gung-ho for spending the few minutes to make them. Phantom of the Opera on ICE. You know what that means, right? ERIK IN TIGHTS! Oh my, that is a VERY lovely thought. We really must investigate that, now, musn't we?

**Kill the Fop** - Yes, stupid as the fop is, these entries just wouldn't be as funny without him!

**Elven Kagome** **(And Chandelier-S)** - Chandeliers are obviously the answer to any problem, and Amber eyes are just awesome. LOL. Aw, I feel guilty now, because everyone is so excited about Veggie Tales, but it's not until next chapter. But believe me, it will be worth it. I hope. LOL.

**The Singing Fox Demon - **I promise, I'm going to be updating everything soon, everyone's diaries, because FINALLY, my serious phic, "The Shadow In The Wings" is COMPLETED so I can devote all my time and attention to the funny stuff. Yay!

**ErikTheDevilsChild** - Glad you enjoyed the phic!

**wolfofsummerbreeze** - Don't hack up a lung! Oh wait, you can live with just one, can't you? Because if you only need one, feel free to hack up the other one. If you like the shirts, you might want to check out the new designs, just to amuse yourself. LOL.

**Nade-Naberrie** - Want an ice pack or something for the cramp under your ribs from laughing? I hope this chapter didn't make it any worse! Actually, I secretly do, because that would mean you were laughing, and that's what I want!

**Opera Cloak** - I figured Erik would be paranoid about anybody playing him, even someone as awesome as John. As for fattening Erik up, I think we should watch out, because as we've seen, he and exercise really don't go well together at all. Although I think it'd be funny to see him trip on a treadmill.

**LadyofLegends** - Glad you like the story, and my mentioning of Hugh Panaro. I love Hugh! LOL.

**satha** - Knowing nothing about Veggie Tales, I also know nothing about the asparagus that the fop is going to portray! I'll have to go read up on that!

**fearsomdiety** - You really should get that shirt for your boyfriend, and then ask him to wear a half-mask and serve you blueberry waffles with vanilla ice cream on top. Then he'd be the best boyfriend ever!

**Mort** - Glad you're enjoying the story - especially the Erik in speedos. Glad you like the shirts as well. I'm really surprised they went over so well, but they did, so I keept adding more! LOL.

**White Eevee** - Haha, I don't know WHEN this fanfic is going to be done! I'll have to think of a really good ending for it, if I decide that it's going to finish up.

**Rouen** - Unfortunately, I have no recipe for blueberry waffles. I'm guilty of eating frozen ones out of a box. The Fop's diary, and Christine's will be continued very soon, as I've completed the other phic I was working on.

**Emily Singing Reflection** - Glad you're amused, and glad Erik was in a good mood on your birthday. I love it when people tell me that there was a really good entry on their birthday!

**erik'sangel527** - Glad you think it's hilarious! I try my best.

**Kim Sparrow** - Glad I was able to make you laugh. That's always my goal with this story, to make people laugh. Glad you like the shirts also.

**Sailor Earth Selestina118** - Oh dear, your poor class, I hope they didn't hear you snickering in the background. Sometimes, in the middle of a class at school, I'll think of something really funny to put in and I'll just start laughing.

**Tim Lin** - Glad you're enjoying the story! I honestly am going to have to read up on Veggie Tales because I have no idea which asparagus Raoul is. I'll have to have my little neighbor educate me - he watches those darn vegetables.

**Ms. Selly** - You can die from snerk? Actually, I'm convinced that if you snerk enough, you can actually snerk your brain out through your nose. I hope the police don't find me, because then I wouldn't be able to write any more chapters! I like some kinds of lip gloss, but the one that actually inspired Raoul's cherry lip gloss obsession is this awful one that my sister has, it smells so disgusting, it seriously makes me sick when she pulls it out.

**Regina Scorpio** - Personally, I think that for however much Nadir's laundry stinks, Erik's laundry must stink much worse. I mean, does he have a washing machine down there?

**Harlequin** - Ha, I don't even know where the ponytail mustache thing came from. It was just really random. Well, I suppose everything in this story is really random...

**MetalMyersJason** - Glad you're liking the story!

**Cloaked Hanto of Nacktkitties** - I hope you enjoy all the other chapters as much as you enjoyed the first one!

**Morella-20** - Erik's sarcasm is probably the best part of him. And Erik and waffles will always be one from now on! I actually had waffles for breakfast this morning...

**HatsuHaruSohma27** - Go Erik indeed! Glad you think the story rocked.

**monroe-mary** - Oh I do believe Erik and I would get along quite well. LOL. As for why his basement is so hot, I could use this as an excuse for a really perverted comment, but I won't, and I'll just say that it gets very stuffy down there and with the oven always running and making waffles, it gets hot. LOL. I love French, yes, and I have watched the French dub, and I totally agree with you that the Raoul is awful. Glad to see that a native French speaker found some of the translation weird also. Supposedly, the actual French DVD is more accurate. shrugs

**Final-Threshold** - Glad you like, and I'm happy that you find it interesting.

**I Despise Raoul** - Uh-oh, poor caps lock is getting abused over there! Makes me feel happy though, because it makes it look like you really liked it!

**Araiona Dubois** - Hurrah for being labeled insane. I think I probably am too. Glad you like the story!

**Erik's Shadow** - Writing! Erik making waffles has seriously got to be one of the hottest mental images ever. Would be funny if a new version of POTO came out in which Erik recieved his deformity from a freak waffle-maker accident.

**DaydreamingTurtle** - Glad you're enjoying the story! And if you want to be the twelve year old in Ohio who bought the fop's ponytail, go ahead! LOL.

**Muirgen258** - Hurrah for parents thinking you're crazy. My mum thinks I'm crazy for writing all this in the first place, and she hasn't even actually READ it. I just walk around the house mumbling about waffles and spouting off new ideas. LOL.

**Sorcha's Eredita** - I'm updating now! The funnies have returned!

**Usorokoaemo** - Hah, I hope your butt didn't go numb while you read, because that's always rather uncomfortable. I'd love to do "To the Bat Cave, Nadir" for a shirt, but it's in violation of too many copyrights! I'd rather not have any lawsuits against me. Ah well.

**Onashii** - Hooray for randomness indeed. It's the best part of writing stuff like this - I can honestly stick in WHATEVER I WANT!

**meigihk** - Yes, yes, here's you're update! I'm glad you think it's funny.

**Aratari** - Oh dear, now I'm going to get punjabbed! I'm going to run away and hide now... but remember, if you kill me, I can't finish it! So THERE!

**Dove Of Night** - Glad you're enjoying the story, and I'm really glad you bothered to come look after your friend recommended it!

**Penny: Angel Of Darkest Dreams** - Well, honestly, how much fun would the phic be if I WASN'T mean to Raoul? Or rather, if ERIK wasn't mean to Raoul. It's all Erik's fault, really it is. Glad you got to see Hugh as Phantom! He's so wonderful...

**Erik's Mistress/Renee** - Can I join the Anti-Pansy Organization? And I'm sure Erik is quite a good cook. As we saw, Erik didn't last very long in therapy. I mean, honestly, who expects Erik to actually change?

**Kat** - Yes, I daresay poor Nadir is rather abused by Erik. And yay for randomness!

**Sirius Is My King** - Oh no! Don't die laughing! LOL. We'll have to send Erik to recussitate you! Although, you might like that!

**Becky** - Glad my story made you laugh. I was afraid the whole Raoul/lip gloss thing wouldn't go over too well, but I guess it did!

**Norma Jean The Dancing Machine** - Haha, glad you liked that line. It's one of my favorites.

**The Phantom's Girl** - Short, sweet, and to the point. LOL. Glad you like it!

**Son Kat** - Glad you like the story!

**xXxTakaraxXx** - Would you perfer if he signed his entries "The All Powerful, Godly, I'm-so-much-cooler-than-you Opera Ghost A.K.A. Erik"? I think his hand would get tired! LOL.

_**...for your lovely reviews!**_

_**ANNOUNCEMENT:**_

_**  
NEW AND IMPROVED! **_

_**ERIK'S WAFFLE FRANCHISE HAS COME TO LIFE!**_

For anyone who is interested in nabbing some of Erik's nifty waffle merchandise, visit the following website: "http/ www. geocities. com / wanderingchildphan4eva / wafflestore. html" (You have to remove the spaces, I've discovered it doesn't work otherwise. Also, there is an underscore between wandering and child, and between child and phan. FFN does show them. If you have trouble, you can click the homepage link in my profile.)

T-shirts, aprons, stickers, and other random stuff with phrases like "Kiss Me, I Make Waffles", "Real Men Make Waffles", "Cherry Lip Gloss Addict", and "Real Fops Wear Lip Gloss"

Newest Additions include: "Will Not Be Seduced By Waffles" and "Phic Addict"

So yea, anyone interested can go and check that out. I mostly did it because I really want to buy it, but I figured that since I was gonna do it anyway, I might as well offer it up and see if you all want any.


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